


By His Side

by EmpressCactuar



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Amputation, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Eventual Happy Ending, Explicit Sexual Content, Hospitals, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Physical Disability, Quadruple amputation, Suicidal Thoughts, chapter three is the sex chapter if that's what you're looking for
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-26
Updated: 2020-03-04
Packaged: 2021-02-28 01:08:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 20,300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22905250
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EmpressCactuar/pseuds/EmpressCactuar
Summary: After a serious infection ultimately leads to the amputation of his arms and legs, Bertholdt finds himself unsure of how to live again.
Relationships: Reiner Braun/Bertolt Hoover
Comments: 16
Kudos: 92





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to write something a little more serious in a modern AU. I thought about writing this with amputee!Reiner but given that Bertholdt was the one who did canonically lose his arms and legs I went with him instead. It's not like in canon, though, for reference in this story he still has his thighs, knees, upper arms and elbows.
> 
> Apologies for anything inaccurate. I tried to do a bit of research on everything before I wrote this but you know how it is. I'm obviously not a doctor, and I'm not an amputee. 
> 
> Enjoy!

Bertholdt couldn’t help but frown again, frustrated with the feeling of stiffness in his neck. It was bizarre; he had felt alright when he left home that morning, giving Reiner a quick peck on the cheek as he went out the door. Reiner had told him he was going to go to Gabi’s field hockey game and that he’d be home after he took his cousin back to her house. And Bertholdt had said okay, they exchanged their ‘I love you’s’ and he headed on to work. And for a while he’d been a-okay, concerned with getting the stack of folders and papers on his desk taken care of. 

Why was he feeling so cold? He ran a hand through his hair, finding his head sweaty. Bertholdt sat up straight and took a look around him. Nobody else in the office seemed to be reacting to much of anything. As if to scout the area and see if anyone else thought it was cold, Bertholdt grabbed his water bottle and made his way to the water cooler, peeking into a couple of cubicles on his way. 

“What’re you looking in my office for?” Porco asked when Bertholdt peeked into the cubicle by the water cooler. He swiveled around in his chair, his arms crossed. Porco’s jacket hung off the back of his chair, his tie loosened. Bertholdt laughed sheepishly and scratched the back of his head, Porco cocking an eyebrow. “You feeling alright?” 

“Haha, yeah… it’s kinda cold in here today, though, isn’t it?” Bertholdt asked, Porco looking at him like he’d lost his damn mind. Bertholdt noticed the lack of response, Porco’s eyes looking him up and down before he responded. 

“It’s the middle of the summer and our jackass boss hasn’t fixed the air conditioner, of course it’s cold in here.” Sarcasm dripped from his voice, though at this point Bertholdt was used to it and simply didn’t respond. Porco leaned back into his chair, his expression setting into one of mild concern. “Are you sure you’re feeling okay? Your skin looks pale.” 

“Ah… I’m fine. Reiner and I went to his little cousin’s hockey game the other day. I probably just got a cold from someone.” Porco looked skeptical, but shrugged his shoulders and swiveled his chair around so he was facing his computer again. 

“Keep drinking that water, Bertholdt. I don’t want too many of the people I actually like around here getting sick.” The tapping sounds of fingers on keyboard keys started back up again as Porco went back to work. Bertholdt couldn’t help but smile; Porco could be abrasive and rude sometimes, especially with people he didn’t know well, but he cared. Well, about him at least. 

Bertholdt drank a few gulps of his water, refilling his bottle and sitting back down at his desk. He ran his hand down along his face, shaking his head and looking back to the stack of papers on his desk that had been taunting him all day. But his stomach felt upset, and he just couldn’t focus when it was so damn _cold_ in this office building! Porco looked like he was sweltering (roasting like a piggy, Bertholdt could say at the risk of getting his ass kicked) and Sasha had tied her hair up into a high pony to keep her hair off her neck. They were nuts. 

He glanced at the clock again. How had he gotten so little work done? …Maybe Porco was right. He needed to go home and get some rest. Bertholdt really must’ve looked under the weather, because as soon as he stopped by Mr. Magath’s office his boss shook his head and sent him home before Bertholdt even had much of a chance to say anything. And like Porco, Magath told him to just drink his fluids and rest up. 

“God, it’s too bright…” Bertholdt mumbled to himself when he got into his car, grabbing his sunglasses and sighing in relief once the shades darkened the world around him. He took another few gulps from his water bottle, taking a pain pill to help with his blooming headache. 

He loved Gabi and spending time with Reiner at her sporting events, but _damn_ they could be hotbeds for colds and such with so many sniveling little siblings and parents running around all the time. 

It was too cold, way too cold. As soon as he put his car in park, Bertholdt got out of the car and slowly walked to the door of his home, turning the heater up all the way. He kicked off his shoes and socks, scratching at the itchy feeling on his feet. He went to the bedroom and curled up into his bed, wrapping himself up like a burrito. Bertholdt let out a sigh and relaxed, frustrated that his hands were itching so much. 

A few hours later, Reiner sighed and pulled up to the house after having dropped his cousin off at her house. She was upset and cried because she missed the winning shot of the game, so he took her to get some ice cream. Bertholdt hadn’t responded to his text message telling him that he’d be late getting home, but knowing Bertholdt he was probably engrossed in some book or watching some stupid reality TV show. 

“What the hell?” Reiner mumbled to himself as soon as he walked into his home, noticing the sweltering heat. He looked at the thermostat; why the fuck was it turned all the way up in the middle of summer? He could feel himself starting to sweat almost immediately, wiping at his brow and turning the thermostat down to what it normally sat at. “God. It’s hotter than Hades in here. Fuck.” 

Reiner immediately tossed off his shirt, shaking his head and noticing that Bertholdt wasn’t in the living room despite his car sitting outside in the driveway. “Bertl? Berrrrtholllldt?” He opened the door to their bedroom and saw Bertholdt wrapped up in everything, even the duvet. Usually Bertholdt was the one kicking off blankets at night because he was too hot, so the sight was somewhat bizarre. Reiner walked over to the bed and put a hand on Bertholdt’s forehead, noticing he was running a fever. “Hey. Bertholdt. Get up, love.” 

“Hnnng… Reiner?” Bertholdt asked, blinking his eyes open and seeing the fuzzy image of a blonde man standing over him. A hand started running along his hair, stroking tenderly. His brow furrowed, Bertholdt reaching down and scratching the top of his feet and his hands. “I’m tired…” 

“Are you okay? Do you want me to get you anything? Anything at all?” Bertholdt adjusted in bed, his mind drifting back to all the papers he had on his desk at work that needed to be taken care of. Fuck. He’d have so much to catch up on when he went back. 

“Aspirin, and water…” Bertholdt mumbled, Reiner nodding and stroking his hair again before leaving to get what his husband asked. Bertholdt took the medicine and water eagerly, feeling himself starting to drift off again if not somewhat distracted by the itchiness driving him partially mad. Reiner frowned at Bertholdt’s scratching of his hands, noticing the skin turning red. 

“Do you want me to take you to the hospital?” Reiner asked, noting how sweaty Bertholdt’s head was. It looked like the flu. God forbid Bertholdt wind up out of commission because he had the flu and it progressed to pneumonia or something like that. 

“No… I just need rest.” Reiner frowned but leaned down to press a kiss to Bertholdt’s forehead. 

“Bertholdt. Let me know if you need anything. Do you want me to stay home from work tomorrow to take care of you?” A shake of the head, Reiner frowning just a bit more. Bertholdt had never been above asking for help when he needed it, so Reiner was torn. His husband was clearly getting sick, but wasn’t asking for help. Reiner tenderly stroked Bertholdt’s hair again before kissing his cheek. “I’ll be in the living room, okay? Just call for me if you need anything.” 

Reiner couldn’t help but worry when he crawled into bed that night, Bertholdt shivering under the covers. He turned the thermostat back up for Bertholdt, watching his husband nervously while he put his clothes on to go to work the next morning. He grabbed Bertholdt’s phone and called his work to call out for his husband, then called his own mother to check on Bertholdt and take care of him if need be. Bertholdt’s hair was still sweaty as Reiner ran his fingers through it, him shaking his head and biting his lower lip. “Bertl. Feel better. I love you.” 

Bertholdt’s eyes cracked open eventually, finding himself greeted by an unknown person sitting by his bed. His vision was blurry but the unknown person had blonde hair and a feminine frame. She was putting some pills out on the table along with a glass of water. Bertholdt tried to squint to figure out who he was looking at, his vision coming into focus. He squeezed his eyes shut and clutched at his head, finding himself with a terrible headache. 

“Who’re you…?” Bertholdt asked, the woman looking deeply confused at his question. He spoke it clearly, right? Bertholdt weakly frowned, reaching down to scratch his hands. The skin was red and tender, Bertholdt’s feet itchy as well. “Ma’am?” 

“Bertholdt? It’s Karina. Your mother-in-law?” Bertholdt blinked and stared at her. …She looked familiar, but Bertholdt wasn’t sure from where. Mother-in-law? That couldn’t be right. In-laws were for married people and he wasn’t married. Being married sounded nice but he wasn’t even seeing anyone. Was he? She cocked a brow and gave him a confused look. 

“I’m not married…” Bertholdt protested, shaking his head. Why would he be married? The woman looked at him incredulously, shaking her head and grabbing her cell phone. “Who’re you calling?” Bertholdt found himself becoming frustrated with this stranger acting so rudely towards him. In his own home, too! Why was she looking at him like he was a crazy person? 

“It’s mom. I think he needs to go to the hospital. He doesn’t know who I am. Okay. Okay. Love you too. Bye.” This Karina woman looked down at him, Bertholdt blinking slowly and reaching down to try and scratch at his feet. He felt some relief, but the feeling of relief in his feet just made him all the more aware of the itching in his hands. His head was killing him, Bertholdt biting his tongue to distract himself from the pain. “That was Reiner, dear. You know? Your husband?” 

Bertholdt squeezed his eyes shut, the bright lights making his head hurt. The blankets were soft in his hands as he pulled them over his head to shield his eyes. Reiner… that sounded familiar. Familiar and comforting. Bertholdt smiled lazily at the name in spite of the pain he felt. He scowled when he felt Karina pull the covers back, him feeling cold and his eyes burning at the sunlight. “Put it back…” 

“An ambulance is on the way, I need to get you ready to go to the hospital.” Bertholdt scowled again, trying to turn onto his side in the meantime. Karina’s voice was drowned out eventually by another lady and a man, but Bertholdt found himself too fatigued to care. All he really wanted was to scratch the terrible itching on his hands and feet and to roll up like a burrito and stay cozy. 

“Leave me alone…” Bertholdt growled when the unknown man and lady came and grabbed him, getting ready to take him to the hospital. “I don’t know who that lady is, I’m fine…” 

The people kept touching him and moving him, and they kept saying too much. He couldn’t focus. One of them said his temperature was too high? But he was so cold… His head hurt too much. Bertholdt just squeezed his eyes shut while he gnashed his teeth at all the discomfort floating around him. Too many medical words were being thrown around he didn’t have the concentration to think about what they were saying right now. 

He couldn’t even tell when they were going from place to place. He heard the word meningitis tossed around. Infection. Antibiotics. Emergency. 

Bertholdt just breathed and let all those people do whatever they wanted. He couldn’t bring himself to care, he was so tired. 

  


Karina shook her head and leaned onto Reiner’s shoulder, his face buried in his hands while he shook his head from side to side. Bertholdt had been admitted to the hospital and ultimately found himself on life support and in a coma. Just a couple of days ago he’d been fine and chattering about how much he hated when people walked next to each other and took the whole sidewalk. 

Bacterial meningitis, or at least that’s what it was at first. There were purple blotches on his hands and feet whenever Reiner first rushed to the hospital, and Bertholdt was unresponsive by the time he had arrived. He was embarrassed by all the shouting that had transpired, but he was just panicking. The hospital staff didn’t seem upset with him anymore, at least. 

“Reiner, dear… I’m sorry.” Karina said softly, running a hand up and down his back. Reiner breathed in deeply and exhaled. The doctors _had_ to be wrong, they just had to be. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair. Not Bertholdt. Not his Bertholdt. 

Think about getting his affairs in order? A ninety percent mortality probability? Bertholdt was twenty-three! He wasn’t supposed to be dying! Bertholdt had a long and fulfilling life ahead of him. They were going to live long lives together. Maybe adopt a baby, wonder why they don’t call home more when they move out in about twenty years. Their dogs would be named Meatball and Icarus, and Reiner would make fun of Bertholdt for choosing _Icarus_ as a name for a dog. 

Bertholdt being alive was requisite for all of that. And Reiner didn’t want people telling him that Bertholdt would want him to move on. That Bertholdt was happy. That he was in a better place. He just wanted Bertholdt by his side. 

“Mom. I can’t lose him.” His core started shaking, Reiner sniffling and letting himself cry while his mother held him. It wasn’t fair. Life wasn’t fair. Bertholdt was supposed to be sitting with him in their living room right now. Maybe they’d be watching some nature documentary and Bertholdt would be giving him that content smile while he remarked how creepy fish living in the abyss were. Maybe he’d be clinging to Bertholdt because the horror movie they had on scared him way more than it scared Bertholdt. “I… I…” 

Reiner blinked back tears and ran his thumb along his wedding ring, burying his head into his mother’s shoulder while she swayed them both from side to side. 

“Mr. Hoover?” Reiner glanced up from his mother’s shoulder, looking teary-eyed at the doctor. He gave a quick glance to Bertholdt’s unresponsive body on the hospital bed. There were too many machines hooked up to him. His arms and legs were covered in black and purple skin, and the doctors had been shooing them away to do lots of intense observation. “Can we step outside for a moment?” 

“Yeah…” Reiner stood up, Karina looking up at her son and then back to Bertholdt. “Come on, mom. I don’t think he’s gonna wake up in the time we’re out in the hallway…” Karina nodded and stood up alongside her son, the pair of them following the doctor. 

“We’ve been monitoring the situation with your husband Mr. Hoover.” Reiner nodded at the doctor but said nothing. “You’re the next-of-kin, and, well… we need to talk to you about something.” 

“What is it?” Reiner asked, feeling impatient. He wanted out of this absolute hell as soon as possible and he wanted Bertholdt home as soon as possible. 

“Your husband’s blood vessels have been hemorrhaging. His limbs aren’t getting oxygen the way that they’re supposed to and we’ve been seeing extensive tissue death at the extremities.” The doctor looked seriously at Reiner and tapped the clipboard against his chest. 

“What does that mean for my husband? You have to fix him!” Reiner reached out and put his hands on the doctor’s shoulders, squeezing them in his worry. The doctor didn’t react to Reiner’s touch; he’d gotten to know Reiner somewhat and knew Reiner wouldn’t hurt him. “You can fix him, right? God, please, tell me he’s going to pull through…” 

“Well, Mr. Hoover, we need to talk about what’s next. You’re his next-of-kin, and you know he’s been in a coma and can’t make any decisions on his own.” Reiner nodded for the doctor to continue. “We need to amputate his legs. For lack of a better way to say it, the gangrene is poisoning his body.” 

“Amputate his legs? Both of them…?” Reiner looked down and stared at the floor, shaking his head. He ran his hand through his hair and looked back at the doctor. “There has to be another way… _please_ tell me there’s another way!” 

“Mr. Hoover… we already talked about how high the mortality probability for your husband is. I know this is difficult. But if we leave his legs attached then the gangrene _will_ spread and your husband _will_ die.” Reiner grit his teeth. His eyes burned and he shook his head, feeling his mother’s hand on his back once again. He let out a pained whine and looked back inside the room at his unresponsive husband on the hospital bed. 

“If… if there’s no other way, then…” Reiner paused and breathed in, letting out a pained sob before continuing. The doctor’s face showed a look of genuine remorse for Reiner, him biting his lip. “Go ahead and do it. Please, _please_ just save my husband. Please.” 

The doctor nodded, Reiner unable to deal with standing there in front of him any longer. He turned around and walked back into the hospital room, heading quickly to Bertholdt’s bedside while his mother stayed and continued talking to the doctor. Reiner breathed heavily and looked down at the shape of Bertholdt’s legs underneath the thin hospital sheet. His stomach turned in worry and fear. How was Bertholdt going to react when he woke up and found himself without legs? How much were the doctors going to have to remove? All the way to his pelvis or just the feet? 

There were too many questions buzzing around in his head right now. Instead, Reiner just let himself cry and let “I’m sorry” spill out his lips a thousand times. 

  


Reiner wasn’t a smoker, but damn it had been tempting to take one whenever Zeke had offered him a cigarette on his way out of work that day. It’d been about two days since Bertholdt’s bilateral leg amputation, and dear god the guilt was crushing him. Rationally he knew it was better for Bertholdt to have his legs removed than it was to let him die. 

But the first time he saw Bertholdt in that hospital bed and saw the reality staring him in the face, he broke down sobbing and just kept apologizing to Bertholdt’s still-unresponsive form. It looked so unnatural, Bertholdt being hooked up to so many machines and his legs were gone. At least his lower legs were, they were able to save his knees and thighs. But how much difference would that really make? 

…His skin was still discolored on his arms, Reiner had noticed. It looked like it hadn’t gotten much better at all. The unnatural sound of rhythmic beeping kept Reiner aware of the fact that his Bertl was still very much alive, and it was just about the only thing keeping him going. He wanted to press his ear to Bertholdt’s chest just to get that confirmation of being alive, but he didn’t want to do anything wrong or unhook a machine accidentally or disturb any of the IVs. 

“…Mr. Hoover.” Reiner glanced back to see the silhouette of the doctor standing in the doorway. He had his clipboard with Bertholdt’s medical records on it in his hands, fidgeting with it. “A word, sir?” Reiner sighed and stood back up, his eyes sore. He noticed his cheeks were wet when he started moving. He hadn’t even been aware he was crying. Maybe he was just distracted. 

…He wanted his mom. It was almost laughable, him being twenty-four and desperately wanting to just cling to mommy. But he shoved that thought out of his head, crossing his arms and leaning against the hospital’s wall. 

“Got any good news for me today, doctor?” Reiner asked, closing his eyes. He never would get used to the sterile atmosphere of the hospital and all these damned fluorescent lights. They gave him a headache. 

“No. …Well, maybe. Yes and no.” Reiner opened an eye and stared at the doctor, his brows furrowing at the non-answer. “He has improved since the bilateral amputation. His survival odds are much better now. But there’s another issue. A serious one.” 

“What now?” Reiner asked, his voice defeated. How much? How much more of this? 

“Well, the gangrene in his arms hasn’t improved. There’s been significant tissue death in his hands. At the very least, his hands… they have to come off. But I’ve discussed it with the team of doctors that has been caring for you husband,” The doctor shook his head and put a hand on Reiner’s shoulder. “We’re of the opinion that a bilateral amputation of the arms is necessary.” 

Reiner couldn’t even hold himself up, falling to his knees and shaking his head. Tears dripped from his eyes, running down his nose and cheeks before dripping onto the floor. He choked out sob after sob, feeling the doctor’s hand back on his shoulder. 

The doctor knew when he saw the desperation in Reiner’s eyes. He’d known before he even pulled Reiner out of the room to talk to him about Bertholdt. He knew Reiner would consent to them doing whatever it took to save his husband. 

But that didn’t make it any easier of a decision. Taking away Bertholdt’s legs, then his arms? 

He was in for a horrendous awakening when he came back. If he did. There was still a very real possibility Bertholdt would die in spite of the amputations. The swelling around his brain had gotten better and the meningitis wasn’t the primary issue anymore. But the infection and gangrene was still wreaking havoc on his body. He probably wouldn’t even remember being sick when he came to. 

The doctor chewed his lip. At least Bertholdt had an obviously devoted and loving husband. 

  


“It’s been really cloudy lately, but the sun has been out and it’s been really warm the past few days. Gabi’s been happy about that. You know how she is about field hockey and how much she loves it on nice days.” Reiner said absentmindedly, his hand stroking Bertholdt’s hair. He watched Bertholdt with tired eyes. 

These days his routine was the same. In the mornings he’d take a shower, get dressed, and go to work. After work, he’d grab a quick bite to eat and then head to the hospital where he’d get himself a dinner and spend his time with his husband. He’d talk to Bertholdt about whatever went on those days he didn’t come to the hospital for whatever reason. 

There’d been a little bit of hope, and those bits of hope were what Reiner desperately clung to. Sometimes Bertholdt would crack open his eyes even though he was clearly unaware of his environment and he was still unconscious. Reiner hadn’t realized how much he’d desperately missed those beautiful green eyes until he saw them again, even if those beautiful emerald eyes didn’t see him. 

Bertholdt made a bit of noise on some days, too. No words, but he started making the rare humming sound, or a stray moan or groan. Sometimes he sounded distressed and Reiner wished so badly he could just stop whatever pain Bertholdt was feeling. Take the pain into himself, if he had to. Bertholdt had been in so much pain already and he was going to be in so much more. 

Occasionally Bertholdt had even hummed as though he felt comforted when Reiner stroked his hair. Reiner’s heart had swelled at that, hope finally lighting up his life. To him it had been as though Bertholdt had gone from being a vegetable to almost recovered. Of course they were a far, far cry from that but god just having Bertholdt humming was enough for now. 

  


It was weird. What the _fuck_ he couldn’t deal with all of this. Everything was beyond fuzzy. There was a beeping sound coming from somewhere are for some reason it kept beeping the chorus from the pokemon theme song. 

There was a voice sometimes. Well, a few voices, but one was there a lot more than the others. It was always there when the others were. A deep voice. Sometimes there would be a comforting pressure when the deep voice was talking. An excited younger voice chattering away, and the deep voice would sometimes laugh. An older female voice, and there were some soothing touches when she was there too. 

Bertholdt couldn’t be sure where he was. One day he opened his eyes and everything was fuzzy and blurry but the deep voice was there and then suddenly there was Reiner staring at him wide-eyed with tears pouring out his face. Bertholdt frowned. “Reiner… gotta hide underneath the bed or the cult’s gonna find us… the Jaegerists and Eren are gonna kill us all...” Reiner gave him a bizarre look but then everything went black again. 

He was terrified. He couldn’t move but he just _knew_ that the Jaegerists were coming for him and his baby. Where was his baby? He’d delivered it and it’d been so cute with its mess of blonde hair and pretty amber eyes and for some reason it told him it was all going to be okay and it loved him. He loved his baby too. Hopefully the Jaegerists didn’t take it away. If he needed to he could bite his hand and turn into the colossus and he would take his baby back if it killed him. His friends would come and transform and help save his baby too. 

Reiner and Annie and Porco and Pieck all stopped by one day but no matter how much he told them that they needed to escape from the underground cell they were being held in and that as soon as they transformed they could take down this bizarre cult that was keeping them underground. Surely the Jaegerists were at it again. He wanted to break down when Pieck and Porco and Annie abandoned him to the cult but Reiner stayed until everything went dark again. 

But one day he just felt more relaxed. Reiner was stroking his hair and he could look at Reiner and his eyes just fluttered shut because he was so lucky to have such a sweet husband and he loved his Reiner. Reiner needed to come back and sit with him like he always did. 

He woke up one day and found that Reiner wasn’t there. But he was just tired, so tired. He was sore, and there was a light that was too bright. Bertholdt frowned and brought up a hand to scratch the itch on his nose. 

He looked at the stump where his elbow was and let out a blood-curdling scream. 

  


There were things Reiner hated seeing. People getting hurt. Sad, starving animals and the TV commercials that featured them. Gabi when she lost a game and blamed herself. 

There were things he loved to see, too. Bertholdt’s cute smile he did when he was thinking and had an a-ha moment. Gabi. Larger-than-expected paychecks. Cats when they did that thing where they flopped on their side and he had to resist the urge to rub their bellies. 

Today the thing he absolutely loved to see was Bertholdt conscious and apparently lucid. What he hated about it was the tears and panicking on his husband’s part; there were some people in there trying to calm Bertholdt down, but nobody seemed to be doing a very good job of it. 

“Bertholdt!” Reiner had called out whenever he made his way to Bertholdt’s room, immediately pulling in his husband for a hug. Bertholdt was shivering against him, his heart rate high and his breathing rapid. “Bertholdt, I’m here. I’m here, dear…” 

He was panicking and Reiner felt his stomach drop. He’d had time to start to accept the fact that Bertholdt’s limbs were gone. After some time visiting Bertholdt in the hospital he’d gotten _sort of_ used to the sight. He’d taken Bertholdt’s wedding ring and had it made into a necklace, and he’d started doing some research on prosthetics. But Bertholdt had been in a coma the whole time. He was none the wiser. 

“What’s going on? I’m so tired, my arms are gone and my nose itches and my feet hurt so bad… Make it stop, Reiner…” Reiner pulled out of the hug and took his finger to scratch Bertholdt’s nose for him. He kissed Bertholdt’s cheek and pushed his forehead against Bertholdt’s, a doctor making some distant comment he didn’t care to pay attention to. “I wanna wake up…” 

“Oh, Bertl… I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, Bertl…” Reiner whispered, Bertholdt’s brows furrowing. He was the one that consented to having all of Bertholdt’s limbs removed and dear god he knew Bertholdt would prefer being limbless to dead but the guilt was crushing him already. 

“Sorry? What’s going on? Help me, Reiner, I want to go home…” Bertholdt said, Reiner’s shoulder getting wet while Bertholdt buried his face into his husband’s shirt. “Wanna go home, just wanna curl up and rest… I’m tired, I wanna wake up and go home…” 

“Rest, Bertl. I’m here. Once you relax we can talk, okay? Just do what the doctors say, okay? I’m not going anywhere, I promise.” 

Bertholdt could only stare at the ceiling as he started to come to. He felt numb, nearly dead inside. He was propped up on his back in the hospital bed, but he couldn’t adjust himself at all. He couldn’t scratch his nose despite how damned itchy it was. He couldn’t change the TV channel. He could barely reach the call nurse button with this… stump thing where his arm should be. 

“…Reiner?” Bertholdt asked softly as soon as his husband was back. He’d been gone for a minute. The doctors must’ve been giving him a hell of a runaround in the meantime. Reiner’s brows rose, his face set into one of concern as soon as Bertholdt started speaking. “Where’s… where’d my wedding ring go?” 

Such a mundane thing to be worried about. Maybe he wanted to work his way up to the elephant in the room. Reiner’s face set into an unreadable expression, him pulling the collar of his shirt down to reveal a ring on a chain. 

“I had it made into a necklace for you. I’ve been keeping it on me because I wasn’t sure when you’d wake up and when you’d want it back after you did…” Bertholdt stared at the necklace. It was pretty. His wedding ring was inside a heart at the bottom of the chain. He frowned, turning away from Reiner. If Reiner was able to take the time to have his wedding ring made into a necklace… he must’ve had his arms taken off some time ago. The wounds and stitching weren’t fresh. 

“Quadruple amputation…” Bertholdt mumbled quietly to himself, Reiner leaning in and resting his head against Bertholdt. The sound of his heartbeat was comforting. The doctor had said all those weeks ago to get Bertholdt’s affairs in order but he was alive in spite of it all. “It can’t be real, it can’t be, how am I going to go on, Reiner? When did this happen?” 

“Bertl…” Reiner started, unsure of what to say. He ran a hand along his shoulders and down his upper arm before pulling Bertholdt into a hug that couldn’t be returned. Bertholdt was trembling against him. “A couple of weeks... the doctors had to take them off. I begged them for any other way. The infections and gangrene were so bad, Bertholdt… they said if you didn’t have your legs and arms removed you’d die…” 

A tense silence in the room, Bertholdt shaking and trying to hold Reiner. He could sort of rest his stumps against Reiner, but the reality became apparent when he tried to hug his husband that he’d never hug him again. 

“Reiner…” 

Reiner looked at Bertholdt’s face, seeing an absolutely vacant expression, though a couple of stray tears dripped out in spite of his eyes being nearly glazed over. 

“Huh? Bertholdt?” 

Bertholdt looked seriously at Reiner and shook his head, breathing in deeply before exhaling again. 

“Is… is this really better than just dying?” 

Reiner grit his teeth and choked out a sob, pulling Bertholdt against him. 


	2. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All he could do was put on a brave face for Reiner when he stopped by later like he always did.

Bertholdt sighed and mindlessly watched the TV in his hospital room. He could always call a nurse and have her change the channel, but he didn’t want to bother them. Besides, the show that was on right now was comforting. Not because he liked it, necessarily, but Reiner always liked watching these nature documentaries and the lions puttering around in the savannah were cute enough, he supposed. Oh, they just killed a gazelle. 

Now he didn’t want to watch the nature documentary. The gazelle was using its legs to hop away and it tried its hardest but in the end the lionesses killed it anyways. It made him look down at his leg stumps, Bertholdt feeling his eyes burn. He wanted someone to snuggle and make him feel better. Reiner had been staying with him at the hospital, but he had to go home and go to work. It was the middle of the night now. Surely Reiner was either asleep or tossing around in their bed trying to sleep. He could tell Reiner hadn’t been sleeping well, not that he had been either. 

Taking his arm, Bertholdt pressed the end of it against the button to call the nurse. He wanted the channel changed. He was hungry and wanted a snack. He needed to go to the bathroom. Maybe they could scratch the itch on his back that he couldn’t reach. Bertholdt shook his head while he leaned back into his pillow, looking at his arm stumps. 

Hands. He didn’t realize how much he used them until they were gone. Even sitting here in the hospital bed he felt trapped. God knows how he’d feel when he got home. 

“Everything okay, Mr. Hoover?” Bertholdt looked away from the nurse’s face. She was kind but he felt awkward around her. She smiled at him, Bertholdt fidgeting with his stumps. If he stretched he could almost touch the ends of the stumps together. Bertholdt gave the nurse a sad smile and closed his eyes, leaning back into the bed. 

“Uh… a couple of things, ma’am. I need to go to the bathroom…” Bertholdt felt awkward. Needing help using the bathroom was downright humiliating, there was no way around it. He hadn’t had anyone in the bathroom with him like that since he was a damn child being potty trained. Having a nurse cleaning him up? And that would literally never end. What was he gonna do when he went home? Have Reiner do it? That’d be even worse… 

Bertholdt wanted to cry whenever he was moved back from the wheelchair to the hospital bed. He felt so dirty and exposed every time he used the bathroom. The nurse had seen it all and continued to see it all, all day every day. But _he_ didn’t. And when he went home… god. “Can you scratch my nose for me?” The nurse gave an understanding smile and reached over, scratching his nose. “A little higher…” She moved, Bertholdt sighing in relief when the itch went away. 

“Anything else, Mr. Hoover? We’re going to be giving you more medicine later with your breakfast. Are you in pain right now?” So caring. Bertholdt gave the nurse a weak smile and glanced at the TV before nodding. 

“Can you change the channel on the TV for me, please? My husband likes watching these with me but I don’t want to anymore…” Bertholdt yawned, the nurse reaching over to his small table and grabbing the remote. “Just put on some reality TV. My husband isn’t here to make fun of me for watching it, hehe…” Reiner loved ribbing him for watching reality shows and the like. Right now a rerun of _Marleyan Shore_ sounded perfect. 

Despite it all Bertholdt couldn’t help but crack a smile when Petra threw the cup of water onto Eld. He loved watching this show so much. Reiner would roll his eyes but then smile at Bertholdt if he were here right now. 

They were monitoring his health carefully. Hopefully they were going to be releasing him from the hospital in the next couple of months. He was getting some physical therapy in during the daytime whenever he was able to. His muscles had weakened and withered away a bit during his coma. But if he wanted to make use of prosthetics and if he wanted to walk again then he had to make sure that his muscles were strong enough to do so. 

Gabi had come by with Reiner one afternoon and had been chattering a lot. No more than usual, but Gabi could be a talker. She had made a comment that she had been talking with her friend Udo who told her that bionic arms had come a long way and maybe he could have totally badass robot arms soon. Reiner had smiled at that, but all Bertholdt really wanted were his own arms attached to his body. Still, though, he was happy that Gabi was still talking to him same as usual. 

He wanted to die. He felt like such a burden already, having to have nurses do everything for him. Reiner was going to have to do everything for him now and he didn’t deserve to slam the brakes on his own life to help out a limbless waste. Bertholdt bit his lip and thought about what his life was going to be now. Stuck on the couch all day? Reiner was so optimistic about him walking again but all Bertholdt could see was a blackness that never ended. 

When he wasn’t in his physical therapy he was just staring at the TV or staring out the window dreading time to eat and time to use the bathroom. His heart hurt one day when he watched the birds flying around because of how free they were and how they could go wherever they wanted. People were walking around on the sidewalk outside the hospital. How lucky were they, and they didn’t even know it. 

He must’ve fallen asleep at some point, because he was woken up by a different nurse with some food, soda, water and pills. “Rise and shine, Mr. Hoover. Ready for your medicine and breakfast?” 

“Hmm…” Bertholdt couldn’t wipe at his eyes. Christ. He blinked blearily at the food. It looked bland as always. The scrambled eggs were probably unseasoned, and he could tell the toast wasn’t crispy enough. He missed Reiner’s cooking. Or Karina’s cooking. Or some fast food, which sounded absolutely heavenly. Bertholdt opened his mouth, the nurse putting the pills in and putting the water to his mouth. He swallowed the medicine and drank some more water for good measure. “Thanks…” 

“You’re welcome, Mr. Hoover. The doctor talked to your husband last night. We’re hoping to get you discharged in about a month. We know you probably want to go home.” Bertholdt opened his mouth and let the nurse feed him. Bland as ever, but at least they kept his belly full. 

“I want to go home and just… I don’t know. I can’t do my job anymore, I can’t type…” Bertholdt fidgeted with his stumps. 

“You’ll be staying busy with physical therapy. The other Mr. Hoover has been arranging a schedule for a physical therapist to be coming by your home. He wants you taken care of.” Bertholdt chewed on the toast put into his mouth. 

“Can you put some of the egg onto the toast?” The nurse nodded and did as he asked. “Reiner always fussed over me, even before all this… I don’t know what I’d do without him.” The nurse hummed while Bertholdt ate the eggs and toast. 

“Just be thankful for him. He visits you a lot more than most patient’s visitors.” The nurse let Bertholdt sip on the juice. “You have a big day today. Excited?” 

“Yeah.” He wasn’t really _excited_ per se. Not like he should be, he felt like, anyways. He was going to be meeting with his prosthetist to have molds of his stumps made so he could get started on getting his temporary prosthetics made. Wasn’t he supposed to be looking forward to this? 

Walking again. He should be absolutely over the moon. But he couldn’t help but just be overcome with grief over his limbs. He was so confused emotionally and moving towards prosthetic legs just made him feel overwhelmed. 

Bertholdt looked at his stumps while he sat in his hospital bed. He wasn’t ready to get molds of his arm stumps made yet. The surgeries to remove his arms came after the surgeries to remove his legs; a little more time was needed for the arms. A shame, too, because he wanted his hands back more than anything else. 

Fuck walking. He wanted hands! He could just use a wheelchair and go his whole life without legs. Without hands he couldn’t eat by himself, he couldn’t change the TV channel, he couldn’t scratch himself, and he couldn’t get himself dressed anymore. Not that he was exactly wearing much here, but what about all his clothes? Nothing would look right anymore. 

Admittedly, he had perked up whenever Gabi had started talking about the different kinds of arm prosthetics. But that faded whenever he found himself stuck in his new reality while the nurse fed him his soup. Maybe Reiner should bring Gabi around more to keep his mood up. She was always good at keeping him in high spirits, even before he had his limbs removed. 

All he could do was put on a brave face for Reiner when he stopped by later like he always did. 

  


“How was your day today, Bertl?” Reiner was getting comfortable in the chair by Bertholdt’s hospital bed. It was damn near _his_ chair now, Bertholdt never saw anyone besides Reiner sit in it. Reiner reached over like he always did and put a hand on Bertholdt’s cheek, pressing a kiss to the other cheek. Bertholdt blushed and smiled at the affection. 

“It was okay. They took the molds of my leg stumps.” Bertholdt grinned like an idiot when Reiner reached into the bag he had with him, pulling out one of Bertholdt’s favorite chocolate bars. He opened up his mouth, chewing the delicious candy and moaning in satisfaction. After he finished the bite he had Reiner offered him a sip of his favorite soda, Bertholdt appreciative of the gesture. There was a tupperware container with some sort of food in it in the bag, but Bertholdt couldn’t see what it was. _Anything_ had to be better than the god-awful hospital dinners he had become accustomed to. 

“How was that? Do you feel good about it?” Reiner absentmindedly grabbed the remote off the table and changed the channel. It was on some sort of infomercial. He flipped it to the historical channel because Bertholdt always liked that stuff anyways. Bertholdt looked away, not meeting Reiner’s eyes. 

“It was okay, I guess. It felt weird.” They had put a bunch of wet bandages on his legs but they had also told him his limbs were going to shrink after some time. The molds for the final prosthetics would most likely be taken in several months, maybe close to a year. Reiner raised his brows in concern at that. 

“You don’t sound very excited about it, Bertl. Are you feeling okay?” Bertholdt chewed his lip and sighed, bringing his stump up and gesturing at his shoulder. Reiner got the hint and reached a hand over, scratching Bertholdt and smiling slightly at the hum of relief from his husband. Still, though, there was concern in Reiner’s eyes when Bertholdt looked back at him. 

“This is moving too fast for me, Reiner. I hate all this.” Reiner’s eyes closed halfway, his expression sad. 

“I know. I’m sorry, Bertl. But I’ve been working really hard to fix the house up for you so it’ll be easier on you when you come home. It’ll be okay.” Bertholdt blinked but didn’t respond. Reiner fidgeted nervously for a moment. “I had Porco come over the other day and we replaced all the doorknobs in the house with levers.” Bertholdt frowned and turned away. 

“Stop saying everything is going to be okay, Reiner!” Bertholdt raised his voice, Reiner recoiling. “I don’t have hands or feet anymore! They took my arms and legs and I can’t even piss by myself anymore and you’re acting like everything is fine!” Reiner pulled back, his mouth set into a hard line. “This is miserable! I’d rather be dead!” 

“Don’t say things like that, Bertholdt!” Reiner said after Bertholdt’s last comment. “They thought you weren’t going to pull through but you did! I knew you would. You’re strong, and you’re going to get through this, and-” 

“I don’t want this! I never would’ve wanted this! Why did you do this to me? Why couldn’t you have just let me die!?” Reiner’s face fell, but Bertholdt’s expression was still one of anger. It was true, he’d rather have just died. He thought about it every night while he was laying in his bed by himself. What sort of god could he have pissed off to have been cursed with this existence? 

“Bertholdt…” Reiner’s expression fell, him shaking his head and standing up quickly. He turned around and walked out of the room. Bertholdt blinked and shook his head, leaning back into the pillow. Part of him knew that Reiner didn’t do anything wrong. He would’ve done the same fucking thing if Reiner were in that hospital bed with his limbs rotting away. But part of him was just. So. _Angry._ Why him? Why? 

He could apologize when Reiner came back. Bertholdt closed his eyes and breathed heavily. He needed to calm down before he said more things he’d regret. God knew when he was in here staring at the hospital room’s ceiling at two in the morning he was going to be tearing himself apart for saying that to Reiner. 

It wasn’t Reiner’s fault. It wasn’t anybody’s fault. Shit happens. Porco had said that just a few days ago when he spilled water on his keyboard and Mr. Magath had jumped on him. 

…Ah. It wouldn’t have been just a few days ago. It had to have been weeks and weeks ago now. What all had he missed? Reiner had taken his wedding ring and had it fixed. Gabi was fourteen now, apparently. According to Porco, Sasha had been fired for stealing Mr. Magath’s lunch one too many times. The house was being redone to accommodate him. 

Reiner came back into the hospital room a few minutes later. For a minute there Bertholdt had worried Reiner just left and went back home. But that wasn’t like Reiner, he wouldn’t do that. But he also left his car keys and his bag on the table, so he couldn’t leave without coming back if he wanted to. 

“I’m sorry, Reiner…” Bertholdt said, Reiner’s cheeks wet. Bertholdt felt so guilty. Reiner had been putting so much effort into everything and he was getting pushed away. Reiner shook his head and grabbed the tupperware out of the grocery bag, taking it to the small microwave in his room. “I know…” 

Reiner pressed the buttons on the microwave to warm up the dinner he had brought. He turned back around and looked at Bertholdt. “You know?” 

“I know I’d have done anything to save you. I’d have told them to take your arms and legs too. It… it isn’t fair that I’m so mad at you for this.” Bertholdt’s lip trembled while he spoke. “I just want things to go back. I want to go home and snuggle and go to work and bitch about how Mr. Magath can be an asshole, and then you’d tell me about something Zeke did and I’d feel lucky.” Reiner gave a tiny chuckle at that, the microwave beeping. He took the food out and brought it over to Bertholdt. 

“It’s soup that mom made. She made a lot so I’ll bring you more tomorrow.” Reiner took the plastic spoon out and started to feed Bertholdt. “Bertholdt. I think… we’ll have a new normal one day. I don’t know. I just keep thinking about the future and us sitting together on the couch like we always did. I’m living in the future because it hurts too much in the present. Like it doesn’t matter how _you_ feel _now._ ” Reiner took the soda and pressed it to Bertholdt’s lips. He stroked Bertholdt’s hair when he was finished drinking. “I’m sorry. I’m being selfish. I never even asked if _you_ were ready to start all this prosthetic business.” 

“What are we going to do, Reiner?” Reiner’s mouth set into a hard line, him instead looking down into the soup and bringing another spoonful to Bertholdt’s mouth. 

“I don’t know, Bertholdt.” Reiner blinked and stirred the soup, his expression exhausted and vacant. “I guess we just have to hope there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.” 

Bertholdt blinked and ate the food. After that he wasn’t sure if he preferred overly hopeful Reiner who stayed optimistic or the Reiner who clearly felt crushed by the present reality. 

  


“I’m so excited to bring you home, Bertl.” Reiner said, pushing Bertholdt’s wheelchair forward. They’d put all the prosthetic talk on hold for now, for Bertholdt’s comfort more than anything. He’d be lying if he said he didn’t want prosthetic legs and arms, and he wanted to return to some sense of normalcy terribly. But for now he just wanted to get home and have some time to adjust before they started on all that. 

“I’m excited to go home. I’ve missed it. I hope you kept my flowers watered, hehe.” An awkward silence at that, Bertholdt looking up at Reiner and seeing a guilty expression and a flush on Reiner’s face. 

“…My flowers are dead, aren’t they?” 

“God, I’m sorry, Bertholdt, I’ve just been busy with everything else, and-” 

“Hush, Reiner. It’s okay. I know you’ve been busy handling me and getting the house ready for me. I still love you.” Reiner hummed at that, opening the car door and lifting Bertholdt out of his wheelchair. He put Bertholdt down and strapped him in, then put the wheelchair into the car. 

“I took out all the rugs that you put in, but don’t worry. They’re just in the shed in the backyard for now. There’s a bench in the shower now for you too.” 

“Ah.” Bertholdt watched the scenery go by through the car window. Now he realized how pale his skin had gotten; he didn’t go outside much when he was in the hospital. The car ride home was silent, but it wasn’t necessarily a tense silence. They were both just tired. Bertholdt felt a sense of peace, rare these days, when the familiar neighborhood that they lived in came into view through the car windows. The neighbor’s kids still had the yards littered with toys and basketballs and other yard games. 

“We’re here!” Reiner chirped whenever they pulled up into the driveway of the house. He opened up the trunk and started getting Bertholdt’s wheelchair ready, then opened the door and put Bertholdt in. Reiner leaned down and pressed a kiss to Bertholdt’s cheek. “Mom and Gabi have been coming over and keeping the house clean. They’ll be coming by later with dinner, okay?” 

“Okay. Thank you, Reiner.” Oh. The furniture had been rearranged. To accommodate the wheelchair, it would seem. Reiner pushed him in and put the wheelchair by the door. “Can you put me on the sofa, Reiner?” 

“Of course I can.” Reiner picked Bertholdt up out of the wheelchair and put him down on the couch. Bertholdt squirmed to adjust until he was comfortable. Reiner turned on the TV and turned on the netflix; Bertholdt was more than happy with that, since he felt like half of what he watched at the hospital was commercials. “Anything in particular you want to watch?” 

“Hmm. You pick. I’m just glad to be home.” Reiner turned on some nature documentary, this one about insects. Reiner went into the kitchen, leaving Bertholdt alone. He looked around his house. It was pretty much the same. 

…He wanted a glass of water. But the kitchen may as well have been on another planet, Bertholdt thought as he looked at his legs. Of course even if he had legs, would it make a difference? He supposed he could pick things up with his stumps. Bertholdt bit his lower lip. He didn’t want to be a burden already. 

“…Reiner?” A raised ‘huh’ sounded from the kitchen, Bertholdt smelling the familiar smell of popcorn being made. “Can you bring me some water?” 

“Yeah, give me just a minute.” Bertholdt found himself frustrated. Not that Reiner was taking a minute, but that he couldn’t do it himself. 

Come to find out the frustration didn’t end there. Reiner was moving him from room to room; he didn’t have arms to grip and turn the wheels on his wheelchair, and even if he could he needed the other to move him out. Reiner helped him use the bathroom, which wound up being far more uncomfortable than when the nurses did it because even though it was just Reiner, it was _Reiner._ Reiner changed him out of his clothes into his pajamas; Karina had shortened the legs on them for him. 

“I love you, Bertl.” Reiner said when he pulled the covers of their bed over the two of them. They were laying on their sides, Reiner resting a hand on Bertholdt’s hip and running it back and forth. The silk of the pajamas felt nice in his hand, Reiner scooting forward so he could peck Bertholdt’s lips. “So much. I can’t tell you how nice it is to have you home again. The bed doesn’t feel so empty anymore…” 

Bertholdt felt awkward at that. The bed felt _very_ empty to him. He hadn’t gotten used to sleeping in their marital bed alone. This was the same as always for him, minus a pair of arms and a pair of legs. His gaze drifted to the side into the sheets, no longer meeting Reiner’s eyes. Reiner wrapped his arms around Bertholdt, pulling him into a hug and kissing his temples affectionately. 

“Reiner…” Reiner pulled back and met his eyes. Bertholdt felt a great deal of anxiety pooling in his stomach. “Can you, uh, not touch me so much? I just… don’t want touched right now. I’m sorry.” 

Devastated would be an overly strong word. But Reiner looked upset at the request, his arms pulling away and going to his chest. “I’m sorry.” 

“Just give me some time, Reiner.” A nod. Reiner blinked, turning his back to Bertholdt. 

“It’s fine. …I understand.” He could understand but still be hurt. He just wanted to cling to Bertholdt and hug and kiss and cuddle and make love and everything in between. Bertholdt’s lip trembled, him reaching his stump out but unable to reach Reiner after his rolling over put more distance between them. “Your physical therapist is coming over tomorrow. I’ll be here in the morning before work but mom will be over later to help you out.” 

“Okay. Thank you, Reiner.” Bertholdt said, scooting to try and reach his stump out. He touched Reiner’s back, Reiner looking back for a second before turning back. 

“Good night, Bertholdt. I love you.” 

Bertholdt blinked, his eyes burning but him unable to wipe away the tears with his fingers. “I love you too, Reiner. Good night.” 

And once again, Bertholdt found himself staring at the ceiling at two in the morning feeling absolutely useless. He turned to look at Reiner, who had turned in his sleep and was drooling like he always did. 

Bertholdt sighed and closed his eyes, fidgeting with his stumps. He almost felt worse here than he did at the hospital. Now he was useless _and_ hurt Reiner. 

  


“You've never whined about your muscles hurting so much.” Annie observed, pushing Bertholdt’s wheelchair while the two of them went out. He’d been home for a couple of weeks now, and his physical therapist was keeping him busy. Bertholdt couldn’t help but feel a little self-conscious of all the people stopping and staring at him, even when a look from Annie made them scurry away. 

“The last time I felt this sore was when you flipped me over one time we tried sparring. I should’ve known what’d happen when you flipped Reiner.” Bertholdt smiled at the memory, Annie letting out a small chuckle. “I need to keep my muscles strong.” 

“Yeah. How’re you and the husband doing? You used to talk about him nonstop. It got really annoying. You haven’t said a word about him all day.” Annie pushed Bertholdt into the restaurant, the two of them being seated relatively quickly. 

“He’s fine.” Annie hummed and raised a brow at the lack of response regarding Reiner. They must be having some of trouble. She couldn’t say she was surprised by that. Bertholdt was clearly having issues with grief over his limbs and Reiner was getting burned out. 

The least she could do was take Bertholdt for an afternoon so Reiner could rest. Usually on Reiner’s days off from work he stayed with Bertholdt and the caregiver they’d hired didn’t come. He was napping whenever she got to their house, Bertholdt fidgeting on the couch restlessly. “Your little sidekick’s been doing good with her Muy Thai lessons.” 

“My little sidekick?” Bertholdt half-laughed at that. Gabi’d enrolled in classes with Annie at the gym she worked at. Annie’s little sister Zofia was one of Gabi’s best friends so Gabi got a little extra attention in class. Not enough to make anyone complain, though. “She talks about me that much?” 

“She’s been talking about how cool it’d be if you got robot arms and were like the terminator.” Annie glanced at the waiter and ordered them both waters in the meantime. “She’s got her head in the clouds.” 

“I’d give her more credit than that. Gabi’s pretty observant.” Bertholdt saw a family gawking at him out of the corner of his eyes. He felt self-conscious, moving his arms to his torso and shrinking into himself. “She’s probably just doing what Reiner does. They both try to be funny and optimistic regardless of how bad they feel.” 

“She misses you coming to watch her spar.” Bertholdt sighed and shook his head. 

“I miss watching her.” Annie’s expression didn’t change when she met Bertholdt’s eyes. 

“Then come watch her. You know Reiner will take you. And he’d get to get out of the house and see Gabi, too.” Bertholdt chewed his lips and leaned forward, sipping the straw in his water. 

“I can’t. You know. Reiner would need to do everything for me, if I have to use the bathroom Reiner would have to clean me. I don’t think Gabi would want to be seen out in public with me, you know how teenagers are…” Annie shook her head and furrowed her brows. Bertholdt was being stubborn and not listening to a word she said. Reiner was probably beyond frustrated. 

“Okay then. Bertholdt. I don’t care either way if you come watch Gabi spar. But she misses you. I hope you understand that.” 

Bertholdt stared at his water. He understood. 

  


He’d been home for a couple of months now; counting the time he’d been in the hospital, it’d been close to nine or ten months since he first fell ill. And he finally felt ready to start moving forward to the next phase of everything; his meeting with the prosthetist was upon him. 

“Your residual limbs have already undergone shrinking. When you get prosthetics immediately after amputation your limbs are still healing and shrinking, so you have to get the temporary prosthetics fitted and then you have to wait a little bit longer for the shrinkage before more permanent ones are made.” He remembered this prosthetist. It’d been a while since he’d seen her, though. “I’m sure you remember from when we started to take the molds all those months ago.” 

“Yeah. I wasn’t ready then. My husband and his cousin were just overly giddy and I was afraid of letting them down. But they let it go when I talked to him about not being ready.” Bertholdt watched the prosthetist as she kept herself busy. 

“What do you want to get out of your prosthetics, Mr. Hoover?” Bertholdt absentmindedly pressed the ends of his arms together and kicked his thighs back and forth. 

“Ah… I don’t know. I just want to walk around and take care of myself more. My occupational therapist has been helping and my physical therapist is confident my body is strong enough to handle prosthetics.” 

“Well, you said you want to walk. Do you want to go out hiking? Running? Or are you more just wanting to be able to walk around your house and outside?” He wasn’t a super athletic person before, and he’d been more concerned with strength than cardio. In college he and Reiner used to spot one another. He missed that. 

“I just want more general use. Not super light. Maybe like… medium, I guess.” The prosthetist nodded and wrote something down on her clipboard. 

“It’s not uncommon for people to have more than one prosthetic depending on what they want. Especially for the upper limbs. I think it would be in your best interests to be open to the idea of multiple prosthetics. Your husband’s insurance is very generous, so don’t worry too much about cost. We can work with you.” 

“Am I going to have a hook?” Bertholdt’s mind wandered. Gabi and Reiner both would make pirate jokes. Maybe one day he’d make them back. He wasn’t up to joking about his situation right now, and Reiner and Gabi seemed to be respectful of that. And Porco dared not joke about it lest he incur Reiner’s wrath. 

“Lots of amputees opt for having hook prosthetics. They’re more suited to less delicate tasks. You could do lots of things if you have different kinds of arm prosthetics.” 

“Could I shoot a gun? And go to the range again one day?” Bertholdt smiled softly when the prosthetist nodded. 

“You could go back to work, go shooting, whatever it is you used to do you’ll probably be able to do. Just differently is all.” 

Bertholdt looked at his legs, then his arms. He fidgeted anxiously. “It’ll take time, won’t it?” 

“Yes. You’re going to need to work to get your center of gravity right on your new legs. Your sense of balance will be off, and it’ll be hard on your residual limbs. But you’ll get there. You’ll need to get used to the prosthetics on your arms, too. But I have faith in you.” 

“Thanks?” 

The prosthetist laughed and gave him a smile. “I saw you all that time ago. They really thought you were going to die. They worried even after your arms were removed. I thought so too. But here you are. Don’t sell yourself short, Mr. Hoover.” 

“Thanks.” 

“Ready to start?” 

“Ready.” Bertholdt occupied himself at the thought of walking through the park with Reiner again and daydreamed while the prosthetist took the molds. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully I'll get the next chapter posted sometime next week. This will probably be four chapters. It isn't meant to be a super long-term project of mine or anything.
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	3. Chapter Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How lonely Reiner must feel. Bertholdt felt it too. They were directly next to one another in bed at night but sometimes they felt miles apart.

They settled into a new routine as time went on. They showered together every morning, Reiner putting Bertholdt on the bench in the shower and cleaning him while he cleaned himself. Bertholdt kinda missed standing directly underneath the stream of hot water, but all he had to do was ask and Reiner would pick him up and let the water run onto him. Sometimes Reiner would steal a kiss to the cheek on their way out. 

Then Reiner would get him dressed and he’d put Bertholdt’s legs on for him. The first week or so Reiner dared not touch the prosthetics and let the physical therapist do it all, because he was afraid. And it took a lot of work on Bertholdt’s part to get used to the legs and trying to walk again. It was tiring, and Bertholdt couldn’t help but want his thighs massaged after the fact. Not that Reiner ever refused to help him out, but it felt awkward sometimes. 

The first day he only kept the legs on around lunch time and he only actually spent about fifteen minutes trying to stand. Bertholdt kept the arms on for about the same amount of time, though he quite liked the arms. More than his legs, at least. For now he just used the ones that had no functionality but matched his skin tone and had hands on the ends. They helped with his body image a little bit more. He’d start with his body-powered arms that could grip when he became more comfortable with having the prosthetic arms on to begin with. Maybe one day he’d graduate to one of the prosthetic arms that had fingers, but he needed to take baby steps. 

Sometimes he and his caretaker would go out while Reiner was at work. He’d wear his prosthetic arms and stay in his wheelchair, but it was better than sitting at home bored. Porco and Pieck would sometimes meet up with him for lunch when they could. Mr. Magath was willing to hire him back should the possibility of doing his work ever come back, so it was nice to know the door was open to him. If anything it was inspiration to work harder to get used to the prosthetic arms. 

But still, at the end of the day he was reaching a point where it felt more natural to have nothing on. So when the day wore down, and he was done with it all, he would sit down and take it all off. 

Bertholdt sank into the couch after they returned from a short trip to the park. Gabi had gone with the two of them, her texting her new little boyfriend Falco. Reiner thought it was the cutest thing in the world, him asking lots of questions while the three of them walked together slowly. He’d be lying if he said he didn’t feel a small pang of guilt because he knew they were walking slowly for him. 

“Reiner?” Reiner hummed in acknowledgement while he put up the keys to the car. “Can you help me take off my legs?” 

“Done with them for the day?” A nod from Bertholdt. “Don’t want to keep them on until after dinner?” 

“If it’s fine, I just want them off.” Reiner shook his head and walked over to Bertholdt, kneeling before him in front of the couch. 

“I don’t care, of course it’s fine. I wasn’t sure if you’d want to walk to the dinner table or if you’d want me to carry you is all. Or use the wheelchair.” Bertholdt smiled at Reiner’s words. He didn’t deserve someone as kind as his husband. The smile fell after that thought crossed his mind, but Reiner didn’t notice while he worked to carefully remove his legs. “Do you want your arms on?” 

“No, could you take them off too?” Reiner didn’t respond, but he moved to start taking off the cosmetic arms. He must be in thought. “Thank you, Reiner.” 

“Give me some bit of time and I’ll have dinner ready. I’m making lasagna and salad. I'll put some extra vinaigrette in yours for you.” Reiner grabbed the TV remote and glanced at Bertholdt. “Anything in particular you want to watch, love? You should have time for one episode of something.” Bertholdt thought about it for a second. 

“Just put it on whatever. There’s a movie I want to watch but I want to watch it with you.” Reiner nodded and turned it to some trashy reality TV show he personally had no interest in. Bertholdt grinned like an idiot at the thoughtfulness, then grinned like a sadist when Petra and Oruo started shouting at each other on the TV. 

Some time passed, then Reiner came back into the living room. “Dinner’s ready. Come on, Bertl.” Reiner reached out his arms and picked up Bertholdt, carrying him to his seat by the dining table. “Okay, and I’ve got your straw in your drink so you can sip whenever you want. Here,” Reiner gave Bertholdt a bite of food, Bertholdt moaning at the fantastic taste. “Good?” 

“Mmhmm.” Reiner smiled at him, taking a bite of his own food while Bertholdt ate. The two of them kept up the routine, Reiner wiping off some sauce that got on Bertholdt’s chin. “Thank you, Reiner.” 

“Do you want some ice cream?” Reiner asked once they finished eating, Bertholdt shaking his head. Reiner shrugged and picked Bertholdt back up, taking him back to the couch. Bertholdt blushed when Reiner stroked his hair before grabbing the remote. “What do you want to watch, again? I’ll turn it on and it’ll start playing by the time I have my ice cream made.” 

Bertholdt got comfortable after Reiner started the movie, him turning the ceiling light off and turning on the lamp. He came back with a bowl of vanilla ice cream and chocolate syrup, him turning to the side and offering a bite to Bertholdt. 

The movie was okay. But Bertholdt couldn’t help but flush at the _risqué_ sex scene that came on. It was really long and drawn out, wasn’t it…? What was this movie rated? 

Sex. There was something he hadn’t really thought about much in a while. Bertholdt glanced over at Reiner, who was absentmindedly sucking chocolate sauce off the spoon. His attention hadn’t been captured by the movie, but he was definitely paying attention now, his brows furrowed almost in confusion. 

Bertholdt hadn’t wanted to be touched for a minute now. Maybe it was the intimacy? But he didn’t really want anyone touching him, even when it was necessary. Definitely not the intimacy of it, then. Reiner would kiss him and sometimes Bertholdt would be fine with a some cuddling. But the thought of having sex filled him with anxiety; he really didn’t want Reiner looking at his body. He’d probably stare at his limbs… 

But Reiner didn’t deserve to not have sex anymore because of him. Bertholdt bit his lower lip, his stomach dropping. Reiner scooped another bite of ice cream into his mouth, his cheeks dusted pink as the sex scene drew to a close. 

“Reiner?” 

“Hmm?” Reiner hummed. 

“I… I was thinking about something the other day that I wanted to talk to you about.” Reiner raised an eyebrow at that, turning to look at Bertholdt. He was beyond comfortable, Reiner slouching with the half-eaten bowl of ice cream on his belly. 

“What’s wrong, Bertl? What’s on your mind?” Reiner straightened up on the couch, sitting the ice cream on the coffee table before putting an arm around his husband. He leaned his head onto Bertholdt’s shoulder. 

“…I’m sorry we haven’t had sex.” Reiner blinked at that but didn’t say anything. Bertholdt chewed his lower lip. “I was just thinking about it. You know. That scene. Reiner… I can hear you masturbating when you say you ‘need to relax’ and take nighttime showers.” 

Reiner blushed at that and looked away sheepishly. “Sorry…” Why Reiner was embarrassed was beyond him, if Bertholdt were being honest. They used to be so open with one another sexually. Now Reiner hid his masturbation like a teenager and Bertholdt didn’t really get off because he _couldn’t_ masturbate and he and Reiner weren’t really intimate anymore. He couldn't even work up the nerve to ask Reiner for a handjob. 

“Reiner, I’ve thinking about it the past couple of weeks. If… if you want to have sex with a friend-with-benefits or something, it’s okay.” Reiner’s reaction definitely wasn’t the one that Bertholdt was expecting. He was steeling himself for some sort of tearful conversation about intimacy and love and how sex didn’t necessarily mean love but instead Reiner’s expression set into one of anger and irritation. “I just, you know, _we_ aren’t having sex, and-” 

“Do you think that I’m so concerned about getting my dick wet that I’d cheat on you like that?” Reiner asked, pulling away from Bertholdt. He crossed his arms and shook his head, scooting away on the couch. “I don’t want to have sex with someone else! I want to have sex with you!” 

“But Reiner, I-” Bertholdt started, Reiner cutting him off. 

“I know you’re uncomfortable. I know you don’t want me touching you. But I also know I’m not going to go out fucking some random person because that isn’t what I want! Don’t you know me at all?” Reiner breathed deeply and exhaled a shaky breath. “I miss you, Bertl. I was so excited when you came home all those months ago but you barely even let me snuggle you. I miss sex but the thing about sex I miss most is feeling close to you. I’m not gonna lie and say sex doesn’t feel good but I can just buy a toy to get off if my hand doesn’t do it. I miss you, and some stranger or a toy won’t fix that…” 

Reiner stood up and left the living room, going to the bedroom and closing the door. Bertholdt grit his teeth when he heard the lock on the bedroom door click. 

How lonely Reiner must feel. Bertholdt felt it too. They were directly next to one another in bed at night but sometimes they felt miles apart. They were physically close but there was a rift. Even just now on the couch Bertholdt didn’t feel close to Reiner the way he wanted to. 

Why hadn’t he wanted Reiner touching him? Did he feel undeserving? There were definitely times he felt like he didn’t deserve Reiner. But he felt that way sometimes even when he did have all his limbs. He’d definitely felt ugly. Bertholdt looked at his arm stumps, then his leg stumps. Everyone was always staring at him like he was some sort of freak when he went out in his wheelchair. 

Reiner was so handsome and he could have anyone in the world. Instead he was staying with some limbless freak. He hadn’t signed up for this. When they got married he was… whole. Bertholdt sniffled and felt a couple of tears drip down his face. Reiner didn’t deserve to be chained down to someone like him who only held him back. 

Even the thought of Reiner being with someone else shattered his heart. But he wanted Reiner to be happy and fulfilled, emotionally and sexually. But Reiner’s emotional needs weren’t being met either. Reiner would be better off without him. But here he was, hurting his husband because that’s what he was good at these days. 

Bertholdt choked out a sob, bringing his shoulders and upper arms up to wipe at his eyes. He couldn’t have cried on the sofa for long before the bedroom door opened, Reiner coming out with concern drawn all over his face. “Bertl?” 

Reiner went to the sofa and pulled Bertholdt into a hug, resting his face into Bertholdt’s shoulder. Bertholdt put his stumps on Reiner’s shoulders. 

“I’m sorry, Reiner! I just keep holding you back…” Bertholdt sniffled and shook his head against Reiner’s neck. “You’re so handsome and perfect and caring but you keep yourself around me. I don’t understand.” 

“Stop talking about yourself like that, Bertholdt. You’re so strong and I feel so weak because I can’t even deal with all this, but you’re the one living with it.” Bertholdt let himself cry into Reiner’s shoulder, Reiner crying into his. Reiner’s arms were tight around the trunk of his body and Bertholdt wanted to squeeze him back, but instead just nuzzled his head. 

After a couple of minutes, once their sobs had subsided into soft whimpers, Reiner stood up and held Bertholdt in his arms princess-style while he carried him to their bedroom. He put Bertholdt down so he was leaning against the headboard, sitting next to his husband on the bed. 

“Bertholdt. Do you remember when we got married?” Bertholdt closed his eyes and remembered the day. It’d been a lot of fun. It was in the fall, and all the leaves had been changing. Their wedding pictures sat in an album in the living room, but some of their favorites were hanging up around the house. 

“How could I forget?” Bertholdt asked, thinking back on their first dance. He smiled at the memory. After that Gabi wanted to dance with Reiner, so Bertholdt danced with Karina. “It was one of the best days of my life.” 

“I promised you in front of everyone I’d always be there for you. I said in sickness and in health. Because I love you and I meant it.” Bertholdt scooted so his body leaned against Reiner’s, adjusting so his head rested on Reiner’s shoulders. “Did you think I didn’t mean it?” 

“…Everyone says that when they get married…” Bertholdt said quietly. Reiner turned and put his hands on Bertholdt’s shoulders, looking at him very seriously. Bertholdt couldn’t help but feel intimidated by the intensity of the look he was getting from Reiner. 

“Do you… do you think I’d leave you? For being sick? I stayed with you for so long in the hospital waiting for you to come back to me. Or for losing your limbs?” Reiner’s eyes seemed… worried? Sad? But Bertholdt knew the answer as soon as Reiner asked. Truthfully he always knew. 

“No. I know you wouldn’t.” Bertholdt closed his eyes and tried to lean more into his husband. He grit his teeth and wanted to ball up fists that weren’t there anymore. “I don’t feel like I deserve to have you love me.” 

“Oh, Bertholdt. How could I not love you?” Reiner asked, putting his hands on Bertholdt’s cheeks. Bertholdt opened his eyes again, meeting Reiner’s amber ones. A thumb swept away a tear that dripped out, Reiner shaking his head. He moved in and pressed a kiss to Bertholdt’s lips. 

“Reiner, look at me…” Bertholdt said quietly. “How _could_ you love someone like me?” 

“I _am_ looking at you, Bertholdt.” Bertholdt didn’t reply when Reiner spoke. Reiner kissed Bertholdt again. “I see someone who watches scary movies with me even when I get scared. You’ve got these adorable freckles on your shoulders, and you always blush when you get excited. You’re so beautiful and sometimes when you laugh you snort and it’s the cutest thing in the world.” 

“I’m ugly, Reiner, look at these stumps...” Reiner shook his head and kissed Bertholdt again, running a hand through black locks of hair. “Everyone stares at me when I go out in my wheelchair. I used to love going out but now I just feel embarrassed.” 

“Fuck them. You’re perfect to me, Bertl. I’m not going anywhere. I love you just as much now as I did before everything happened. I love you more now than when I married you.” Bertholdt sniffled and nuzzled his husband in an attempt to bury himself as deep into Reiner as he could. “If you can’t love yourself right now, just remember I love you so much it hurts sometimes. That won’t change, I promise.” 

“Can you hold me, Reiner?” Bertholdt asked, Reiner pulling Bertholdt into his lap. Reiner buried his nose into the fabric of Bertholdt’s shirt, Bertholdt’s core warm. Bertholdt felt immense comfort at the strong arms wrapped around the trunk of his body, and rested his upper arms on Reiner’s shoulders. 

“Can I kiss you, Bertholdt?” A nod, followed by soft lips pressing together. Bertholdt could taste the faint remnants of the punch-flavored lip balm that Reiner used. Reiner kissed his cheekbones, Bertholdt leaning forward after a moment and kissing Reiner again. “I love you.” 

“I love you too. My rhino.” Reiner laughed at the affectionate tease and kissed Bertholdt again, holding his core tightly against him. Bertholdt chuckled in response to Reiner laughing at his joke. Reiner kissed him again, and again. “Reiner.” 

“Hmm?” Bertholdt kissed Reiner, licking his lips and pushing his tongue inside of Reiner’s mouth. Reiner was surprised and made a confused sound, but then let out a small moan. His hands moved from hugging Bertholdt’s body to resting on his shoulders, squeezing them and bunching the fabric of his shirt. A string of saliva trailed between their mouths and broke whenever they parted, Bertholdt’s face red and Reiner starry-eyed. 

“I love you. If I ever made you think I didn’t love you… I’m sorry.” Reiner shook his head and pecked Bertholdt’s lips again. 

“I know you love me. Your heart is so full of love. It always has been. I just want you to share it with me more.” Reiner kissed Bertholdt’s neck and got an adorable squeak in response. 

“Reiner… make love to me.” Reiner looked surprised at Bertholdt’s request, his adam’s apple bobbing when he swallowed. “You said you missed feeling close to me. I… I miss feeling close to you too.” 

“Are you sure, Bertl? I don’t want to feel like I’ve pressured you into something you don’t actually want.” Reiner still held him tightly, swaying them back and forth. The embrace was warm, and Bertholdt moved to kiss Reiner’s cheeks, then the end of his nose. 

“We used to make love all the time. I want to go back to the way things used to be, before all this. Being close to you was one of my favorite things in the world. Even when we didn’t have sex and we just snuggled in the nude.” Reiner breathed in heavily, Bertholdt noticing a tear coming out of Reiner’s eye. He brought his arm up and used the end of it to wipe it away. “I just… if we do it, can you turn off the light? I’m not confident enough to do it with the lights on yet.” 

“Bertholdt.” Reiner reached over and turned the lamp in their bedroom off, the room not completely dark but close. The moon was full, so light still made its way inside. Bertholdt swallowed at the sight; Reiner being illuminated by the moonlight took his breath away. Reiner grabbed the bottom of Bertholdt’s shirt and pulled it off, tossing it onto the floor before tossing his own shirt. “You’re perfect.” 

“I’m so lucky that you said yes when I asked you to marry me…” Bertholdt lamented, Reiner moving to suck at the sensitive skin on his collarbones. “Don’t leave hickeys, Reiner… what if someone other than you has to bathe me?” 

“They'd know you’re a married man.” Reiner responded devilishly, sucking at his neck. “And married men have sex with their spouses.” Bertholdt let out a moan when Reiner sucked an especially sensitive part of his neck. His whole body felt sensitive; how long had it been? They hadn’t had sex since his amputations, so it had to have been at least close to a year. Reiner probably wasn’t as sensitive, being able to masturbate and all, but all he’d gotten was humping pillows in rare moments where he was alone. 

Reiner reached down and unbuttoned his pants, then Bertholdt’s. He carefully picked Bertholdt up off his lap and slid off Bertholdt’s pants and underwear, then stripped off his own clothing so they were both bare. Bertholdt watched him reach into the nightstand on his side of the bed, Reiner putting a small bottle of lube on the bed. 

“Oh, Reiner, you’re so warm.” Bertholdt sighed and let Reiner hold him close. The feeling of skin-on-skin... Bertholdt didn’t realize how much he missed it until he felt Reiner hugging him as close as possible, like he was trying to get rid of every crevice between the two of them. Reiner kissed his cheeks again, snuggling him and chuckling. 

“You’re warm too, Bertholdt. My Bertholdt.” Reiner would’ve been content to just snuggle Bertholdt all night, running his hands up and down Bertholdt’s broad backside. “My sweet, beautiful Bertl.” 

“Can you touch me, Reiner?” Bertholdt asked, Reiner nodding against his chest. Bertholdt let out a gasp when he felt Reiner’s hand close around his erection, stroking up and down carefully. 

“Tell me if it’s too much… I know it’s been a little while.” Bertholdt let his mouth hang open and his eyes close, bucking his hips into Reiner’s gentle touch. Reiner kissed his shoulders, gently nipping at the skin while he continued stroking. 

“Hmm, Reiner, that’s good…” Bertholdt let his head fall forward, his forehead meeting Reiner’s. Reiner stopped stroking after a minute, Bertholdt whining at the loss of contact. Having hands wouldn’t even help because he wanted to feel Reiner’s hands, not his own. 

“Just relax, Bertl. I know it’s been a while. Tell me if anything hurts.” Bertholdt watched Reiner pour the lube onto his fingers, him feeling electricity go down his spine when they started rubbing at his asshole. Reiner plunged a finger inside, Bertholdt moaning at the intrusion. It really had been a while, Bertholdt not in pain but wondering how he went without for so long. Instead he let himself relax and let Reiner toy with him. 

“Yes, Reiner, that’s it…” Bertholdt mumbled against Reiner’s neck, thrusting his hips. Reiner slid another finger inside, Bertholdt’s brow twitching at Reiner scissoring his fingers inside him. “Haaa… I want it, Reiner.” 

Bertholdt felt his dick twitch watching Reiner reach for the lube again, smearing more onto his asshole. As soon as Reiner slicked his erection he pulled Bertholdt against his chest, Bertholdt feeling Reiner’s hand move to adjust his erection so that it was pressing against his asshole. 

“Are you sure, Bertholdt?” A quick nod, Bertholdt letting out a loud moan when Reiner grabbed his hips and sunk him down. Reiner adjusted so that he was sitting straight against the headboard, Bertholdt resting his stumps on Reiner’s shoulders. Reiner leaned forward and kissed him again. “Fuck, Bertl…” 

“Hehe. That’s good, right?” A smile and a laugh at the joke, Reiner leaning forward to peck Bertholdt’s nose. Reiner held his hips and slid back out, then pushed back inside. They both couldn’t help but moan embarrassingly loud, both of them getting used to the feeling of being intimate again. “Reiner, god…” 

“Bertholdt, I love you, I love you,” Reiner mumbled, hugging Bertholdt’s chest while he thrust. Bertholdt grit his teeth and relaxed, then felt one of Reiner’s hands running through his hair. Reiner leaned forward and pulled Bertholdt in for a passionate kiss, pulling away only to breathe. “You’re wonderful, you’re perfect.” 

“Hmm…” Bertholdt didn’t feel up to chattering, instead letting Reiner hug him and kiss him and snuggle him and fuck him. It was weird, Bertholdt thought; he didn’t have feet anymore but part of him almost felt like his toes could be curling. “God I missed this, mmm…” 

Reiner reached the hand he had been stroking Bertholdt’s hair with down and grabbed at his erection, him stroking it while he thrust inside his huband. He felt the position was intimate enough, but it was a little bit awkward balancing Bertholdt on top of him when neither hand held his hips. “I’m going to move you, okay?” 

“Ah… that’s fine, hmm…” Reiner thrust a couple more times before he pulled out, him moving and adjusting them so that Bertholdt was laying on his back. He moved a pillow underneath Bertholdt’s head to make it more comfortable, then put more lube on. “This is comfy, hehe.” 

“Good.” Reiner got on top of Bertholdt and pushed back inside, feeling Bertholdt’s thighs against his hips. He didn’t have a good view at all, the room dark and the moonlight not really getting to Bertholdt’s face in this position. But still, he peppered kisses to Bertholdt’s face and nuzzled him, clutching tightly at Bertholdt’s back. 

“Reiner,” Bertholdt hooked his arms underneath Reiner’s and let his stumps rest against the warm skin. The sound of their skin slapping made Bertholdt’s dick twitch, him wanting to stroke himself but unable to do so. “Reiner, can you stroke me? Please?” 

Reiner turned his head and kissed Bertholdt’s neck a couple of times, then propped himself up on his palms. He moved a hand to Bertholdt’s crotch, stroking his erection while he continued thrusting. “You look so cute right now, Bertl…” Reiner said, laughing a breathy laugh and leaning back for a moment to peck Bertholdt’s cheek. Bertholdt’s face was mostly obscured by the dark, but he was still adorable. Bertholdt bit his cheek and blushed. 

“Shut up…” Bertholdt got out, squeezing his eyes shut and finding himself close. Reiner only hummed and stroked his cheek for a brief second before going back to jerking him off. They hadn’t been having sex for too long, but it’d been a while and they were out of practice. “Reinerrrr…” 

“Come for me, Bertl.” Reiner squeezed his hand tighter and stroked faster, Bertholdt groaning at the increased stimulation. “Come on, love. Come for me.” Bertholdt’s thighs pressed hard against Reiner’s hips when he came, his cum spilling onto his belly and getting into his treasure trail. Reiner grit his teeth and thrust erratically when he felt Bertholdt’s insides spasming around him. Bertholdt closed his eyes while Reiner kept thrusting, finding himself almost overstimulated. Reiner noticed his slightly uncomfortable facial expression and started stroking his cheek with a thumb. 

“I’m so close, Bertl, fuck, you feel so good, I love you, dear…” Reiner was word-vomiting, so he was almost there. Bertholdt had been fucking Reiner since they were teenagers, he knew Reiner’s quirks and Reiner would just _do that_ sometimes right before he came. Especially if he were feeling emotional. With that in mind Bertholdt chewed on his tongue; he felt a smoldering ember of arousal flare inside of him at the moan Reiner let out when his orgasm washed over him. 

Reiner slid out after a moment, Bertholdt frowning at the squishy feeling. Reiner breathed deeply, lying on his side and pulling Bertholdt against him into an embrace. Bertholdt hummed and felt butterflies in his stomach at the sweet kisses that Reiner kept pressing onto his cheeks, lips, nose and temples. “I love you too, Reiner.” 

“God, Bertholdt, I missed that. I missed you.” Bertholdt nuzzled into Reiner’s core and put his arms around Reiner as much as he could. Reiner moved a hand up to stroke his hair. “You’re so perfect, Bertholdt. I’ll always feel that way.” 

“…Thank you, Reiner.” Bertholdt breathed, kissing Reiner’s cheeks. “I appreciate that.” 

“Hey. I mean that. I know you’re self-conscious. And you miss your arms… and your legs…” Reiner’s hands moved to the ends of his arms, gently rubbing at the ends of his limbs. “But… just remember I think you’re perfect.” 

“I love you, Reiner. I know you don’t mind my arms and legs being gone. I’m sorry I wasn’t willing to see that.” Reiner kissed Bertholdt’s forehead and ran a hand along his torso. “I let people gawking at me get in the way of accepting myself. Everyone who really matters doesn’t care.” 

“I care. Your feelings are important, Bertl.” Bertholdt shook his head. 

“Yours are, too. Stop disregarding your own feelings because you’re worried about me. I hurt you and I’m sorry. I thought you’d want to go have sex with other people so you’d at least get it somewhere but all you really wanted was me. I’m so sorry.” 

“I won’t lie and say that didn’t hurt, Bertl…” Reiner pulled Bertholdt as close to himself as he could. “…I know you only wanted what you thought was best. I forgive you. Let’s just think about the future instead of worrying about the past.” 

“What do you want in the future, Reiner?” Bertholdt wasn’t sure. He thought about how Reiner had wanted a dog named Meatball. They wanted to adopt a baby at some point, maybe two. Reiner kissed Bertholdt and gave him an affectionate look. 

“I want to be with you. No matter what.” Reiner pulled Bertholdt’s body as tightly against his own as he hold, Bertholdt grinning like an idiot. “Even if you want to name a dog Icarus.” 

“If we adopt a boy one day I could name our son Icarus instead.” Bertholdt teased, Reiner humming and not pulling away to respond. Bertholdt kept his eyes closed, feeling himself growing tired. 

“Absolutely fucking not.” 

  


Bertholdt’s eyes cracked open, light filtering in through the curtains. Oh, Reiner wasn’t up yet. Reiner was always awake first these days, so he could get their morning routine started. But for now Reiner was snoring softly, his chest rising and falling steadily. And, as per usual, he was drooling onto the bed sheets. Bertholdt couldn’t help but admire the sight. He missed watching Reiner sleep. He hadn’t even realized it’d been something he was missing out on these days until he stared it in the face. 

It’d been a long time since he woke up naked, but he didn’t mind. Reiner would take him to the shower and dress him later. Bertholdt scooted to get closer to Reiner, wanting to snuggle his husband . Reiner’s eyes cracked open, a lazy smile crossing his face. He reached out and grabbed Bertholdt, pulling him in for a hug. “Hmm… Bertl…” 

“Good morning, Reiner.” Bertholdt let himself be held like a teddy bear. Actually, Reiner would probably say… 

“My teddy-Bertl.” There it was. Bertholdt blushed and chuckled at the silly nickname. Reiner only ever called him that when hugging him in bed like this. Bertholdt let Reiner hug him and stroke his hair. Reiner’s body was beyond warm, especially with both of them wrapped up underneath the blanket like this. 

“Do you want to do anything today, Reiner?” Bertholdt half-mumbled, getting a grunt in response. 

“It’s too early to think…” Reiner grumbled, shaking his head. “Unless you have something in mind.” 

“I was thinking about it…” Reiner pulled back and adjusted so their foreheads were touching, him watching Bertholdt through tired eyes. “Maybe we could go out. And see a movie or something?” 

“You want to go out?” Bertholdt hesitated for a moment before nodding. A ghost of a smile crossed Reiner’s face when he nodded slowly in response. “What movie did you want to see?” 

“I thought that animated movie looked fun. The new Disney one.” A laugh. “What?” 

“Gabi’s been chattering about it.” Reiner swept Bertholdt’s stray bangs to the side and ran a thumb along Bertholdt’s cheek bone. “Let’s go see it without her. It’ll be our date. Do you want to take your arms and legs?” 

“Yeah. I’ll take them. I’ll mostly be sitting down anyways. And you can help me if I need it.” 

“Always.” 

“Always?” 

“…Well, maybe not if Gabi wants to fight you for going out and seeing this movie without her.” 

A laugh. Reiner never was the best at intervening when Gabi got into her little snits. “Fair enough.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like Bertholdt is a little ooc, but at the same time who's really in-character when dealing with severe self-esteem issues and marital problems.
> 
> Thanks for reading! Next chapter should be the last one, unless I make the epilogue separate. Not sure yet.


	4. Chapter Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything was taken care of so now they could just laze around and enjoy each other’s company.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Meatball](https://pbs.twimg.com/media/ESUHb85XQAI8u83?format=jpg&name=small)

“Think you have it in you to take care of a dog, Bertl? I know you were worried you can’t run after him if he does something.” Reiner said, Bertholdt shaking his head while he opened the car door and got in. He’d made real progress over the past several months with his body-powered arms. Grasping and grabbing was beyond liberating, and he could walk more to boot. 

“I’ll be fine. Besides, we talked about not getting a puppy anyways. Whichever one we get probably won’t be bouncing off the walls with energy.” He buckled himself into the car, Reiner turning it on to take them to the animal shelter. “I’m excited. We’ve wanted a little buddy for a long time.” 

“Yeah. Bertholdt, I was thinking. Maybe after some time with the dog we could think about looking into some adoption agencies?” Reiner tested the waters, Bertholdt not saying much while he looked out the window. “What do you think, Bertholdt?” 

“Reiner…” Bertholdt turned to look at his husband, a look of anxiety on his face. “A dog is really different than a baby. I know I’ve made some progress but you know I’m not able to take care of a baby.” 

“Why would you say that about yourself, Bertl? You’re so capable. You were just talking the other day about going back to work soon.” Reiner wanted to reach over and hold Bertholdt’s hand, but putting his hand on the end of Bertholdt’s prosthetic arm wouldn’t do any good. Bertholdt wouldn’t be able to feel it anyways. “I know you’d be a good dad.” 

“I’m. Well. Reiner. I can’t drive, so I couldn’t take them to anything. I can’t do too awful much for them. I just feel like I couldn’t take care of them the way they deserve.” 

“Bertholdt. You can hug them and kiss them and love them. There are lots of people with disabilities that raise happy and healthy families. Please believe me.” Bertholdt half-smiled at his husband’s words, hearing the sincerity in each one. “You can still go to their games and activities and everything. You’d be an excellent role model for them. You’re selling yourself short.” 

“I guess. I don’t know. I appreciate that, Reiner.” Bertholdt stayed quiet and watched the scenery through the window. “I guess it would be nice. Having the pitter patter of little feet on the floors at home. Just. Give me a few months with a dog and we’ll see, okay?” 

“Okay, Bertholdt. Just something to think about. I won’t be mad at you if you aren’t comfortable, dear. I promise.” Reiner pulled their car into the parking lot of the animal shelter. He turned the car off and got out, leaning on his car while he waited for Bertholdt to get himself out. It would’ve been quicker for Reiner to have done everything, but he wanted to respect Bertholdt’s independence. 

He’d come a long way. He almost didn’t need Reiner at all most of the time. He needed Reiner’s help putting on his limbs in the morning and they showered together to spend the time together, but now Bertholdt was getting to where he could be independent. 

“Okay. Let’s go see which of these little guys speaks to us the most, love.” Reiner took Bertholdt’s hand and gently held it while they went into the animal shelter. “I was thinking of a small-medium dog. I don’t want a big one. And maybe a little older?” 

“A little old man, then?” Bertholdt said, raising a brow at his husband. Reiner gave a cheeky smile, the two of them looking at the dogs. Oh, how Bertholdt wanted to take every single one of them home so they’d be warm and safe and loved. There were a few other people here who were looking at some of the dogs. Reiner kept going starry-eyed at some of the dogs with tiny bandanas on, Bertholdt putting his arm on Reiner’s back. “That one looks really cute.” 

“I know. But I saw a family with a kid looking at her a few minutes ago. I think they’re going to adopt her.” Reiner pondered, he and Bertholdt continuing to walk. A gasp from Reiner, him immediately turning and looking into the small space. “Look at this one, Bertl!” 

A stocky, black-and-white dog that looked like some sort of bulldog mix. It blinked and looked sadly up at the two of them, Reiner almost looking ready to cry. Bertholdt smiled at his husband and looked at the little dog. “You seem striken, Reiner.” 

“Look at him, Bertholdt…” Reiner said, Bertholdt shaking his head just a little. “Let’s spend a little time with him and see if he’d be appropriate. His little profile says he’s friendly and not super energetic. Look at him.” 

“I suppose.” Bertholdt said, the two of them going to speak with the staff. Not two hours later they were walking out with the chubby dog licking at Bertholdt’s face while Reiner carried him. “I’m glad you renamed him Meatball. I didn’t like Duke as a name.” 

“Look, Bertholdt. Meatball loves you.” 

  


“I’m hoping to get the promotion. If anything it’ll keep your husband from rubbing it in that he’s technically my boss.” Bertholdt said, idly picking at the food in front of him. It wasn’t going to be too long of an outing today, but he hadn’t had the chance to see Pieck recently. Not without Porco around, anyways. She was free and he was free, Reiner was at work and Porco was going to see his brother. 

“Uh-huh. The pay raise is second to not being Pock’s subordinate anymore?” Bertholdt couldn’t help but chuckle at the sly grin that Pieck was giving him. He took a sip of his soda and raised his hands. 

“Hey now. I’d have promoted way before him if I didn’t have to take leave from work from so long. It’s only a matter of time before I catch up to him and he’s _my_ subordinate.” Bertholdt laughed and scratched at his face. His prosthetic hand didn’t have fingernails so it didn’t satisfy itches in the same way his old hand did, but at least he could scratch his face. 

Reiner would only roll his eyes when Bertholdt was wearing the prosthetic arm that had moveable fingers and _still_ asked for his nose to be scratched. Reiner scratched better anyways. 

“I hope not, because I’ll never hear the end of it.” Pieck leaned back and stretched out her body. “He was so excited when you came back to work. He kept complaining about how much he missed you. And how the girl they hired to take your place way back when was absolutely useless.” 

“I almost find that hard to believe with how he acts at work.” Porco wasn’t ever an _asshole_ to him at work, per se, but he could definitely be aloof. “Although I also know it’s Porco so there’s no telling. I thought he was mad at Reiner a few weeks ago but that’s just the kind of relationship those two have.” 

“Those two have always been antagonistic. The only time I’ve ever seen Porco not being bitchy towards Reiner at all was when you were in the hospital and still recovering.” Pieck finished her food and wiped at her face with her napkin. “The better you did the more Pock started being contrary. I thought they actually hated each other when we were all in high school.” 

“Yeah. I’m glad things are back to normal with those two. I felt really guilty after everything happened because I felt like I was holding Reiner down. Now he’s back to asking me for dumb little favors because he doesn’t want to get up.” 

“Reiner wouldn’t just leave you. He loves you.” Pieck stirred her drink absentmindedly. “We all do.” 

“I know.” 

“Bertholdt?” He met Pieck’s eyes, her resting her cheek on one of her arms and leaning forward curiously. She had a coy, curious expression on her face that Bertholdt recognized as the one she got when she was curious. He’d seen it a thousand times before, usually before she got excited and wanted to research something. “We’re friends.” 

“Yes?” Pieck was a very good friend of his. She wanted something, he could tell. 

“Can I ask you something?” Like a kid asking permission for something, expecting to be told no. 

“What?” Bertholdt’s eyes narrowed suspiciously. She gave him an innocent grin and smiled. 

“Do you have sex with your arms and legs on?” 

“Pieck!” Bertholdt started to stammer, looking behind him and to the sides. The restaurant was relatively empty, a couple of other friends out with one another and paying them no mind. Pieck waved her hand dismissively and smiled lazily. “We’re in public!” 

“I wouldn’t ask if I thought there were people around listening. You’re more fun to talk to about salacious things with than your husband.” Bertholdt chewed a little on his lower lip. That… was true. Reiner would get embarrassed about sex questions and would give curt answers. But usually Pieck buttered him up with some wine or maybe a beer or two before asking about his sex life! 

“Uh… it depends. Usually not, I take them off when I’m done for the day and usually we have sex before we go to sleep.” Bertholdt couldn’t help but blush and turn around, watching everyone else and worrying about being eavesdropped on. “Unless I want to do something that means I need them. Or if it’s really spontaneous, I guess.” 

“When do you need them?” Bertholdt flushed more than he thought possible. He turned around and waved down the waiter, him coming over. “I like details. You know me.” 

“Get me a strawberry daiquiri and a margarita.” He looked back at Pieck and crossed his arms at the table. “I can’t drive anymore and I don’t have anywhere to be, so when we leave take me home and we can hang out there. Let me get a little drunk first.” 

Losing his arms and legs meant he couldn’t drive anymore, but at the very least it meant that driving couldn’t stand in the way between him and day drinking from time to time. Pieck only smiled, her more than patient enough to wait. 

  


Reiner’s arms. 

It was his favorite place to be. Bertholdt closed his eyes, letting himself be rocked back and forth gently. His arms and legs were already off for the night, and Reiner had just finished hanging up Bertholdt’s liners to dry after cleaning them. Everything was taken care of so now they could just laze around and enjoy each other’s company. 

The two of them sat together on the couch, Bertholdt sitting in Reiner’s lap and resting his head on Reiner’s shoulder. One of Reiner’s arms cradled his back, his hand rubbing circles into Bertholdt’s shoulder while his other hand rubbed along Bertholdt’s thigh. 

“Do you think we’ll have any issues getting selected to adopt?” Bertholdt asked after a few minutes. They weren’t sitting in silence; Bertholdt had actually managed to convince Reiner to watch _a couple_ of reality shows with him, and _The Real Housewives of Liberio_ was on tonight. Reiner would never admit to it but Bertholdt could tell he had fallen in love with lesbian power-couple Historia and Ymir Reiss, who took no shit from anybody. 

“Why would we? We got approved by the agency, and they did so many background checks on us I started to worry they’d actually find something we didn’t know about. Plus I thought those pictures of us we sent to the adoption agency to show us off were really cute.” They were really good pictures. Some wedding photos, candid shots of them, a couple of pictures of them in Halloween costumes, them and Gabi. “If anything’s going to hurt us getting a baby it’s that you put _Marleyan Shore_ as your favorite TV show on our parent profile.” 

A grunt from Bertholdt at that. Reiner hummed happily and ran his fingers through Bertholdt’s hair, leaning forward and pecking Bertholdt’s cheek. Bertholdt closed his eyes and buried his face into Reiner’s shoulder, Reiner still rocking him gently. “I just worry that nobody will want to place their baby with us because they don’t want someone like me raising their baby.” 

“Hmm. I don’t know what to tell you, Bertl… I’d have doubts about placing a baby with someone who openly admitted to liking _Marleyan Shore_ too.” Reiner teased gently, Bertholdt smacking Reiner gently with one of his arms. A frown crossed Bertholdt’s face, Reiner picking up on the self-consciousness in his eyes. “Bertholdt. You’re an amputee, you aren’t a bad person or unfit to parent because you lost your arms and legs.” 

“I know that, but people that aren’t as open-minded might not be open to the idea of someone like me raising their baby.” Reiner shook his head and kissed Bertholdt, stroking his face. 

“I wish you would stop being so self-conscious. I know it’s really hard, our lives have changed so much the past couple of years. But you’ve come this far. I’m proud of you. You’ll be a really good papa.” Reiner massaged the end of Bertholdt’s thigh carefully. “If anything our baby will just know that their papa takes off his arms and legs at night. And they won’t care, I promise.” 

“Thanks, Reiner…” Reiner’s snuggles were always good for making him feel better. Reiner’s beard tickled his skin just a little, Bertholdt shifting just a little to get more comfortable. “I guess we’ve gotten a little bit of practice with Gabi. At least for when they’re preteens and teenagers. I can’t believe she’s almost seventeen.” 

“I know. She’s talking about wanting to go dress shopping for the school formal, she said she needs to get it so Falco knows what colors to get for his tuxedo vest.” Reiner started to move, putting Bertholdt back down on the couch next to him and stretching out his arms. He got up and glanced down at his husband. “Do you want anything while I’m up?” 

“Just some water, please.” Reiner left and came back pretty quickly. “Do you think they’d be embarrassed?” 

“Of what? Your limbs?” A shy nod from Bertholdt, Reiner shaking his head again. 

“No. I know they’ll love you. Everyone who matters already does. Even that asshole boss of yours.” Bertholdt smiled at Reiner’s backhanded way of referencing Porco. Boss instead of friend, and the part where he called him an asshole. “In all seriousness… I think that they might be embarrassed and say hurtful things at some point. But all kids pick out something and say hurtful things about their parents. If it weren’t your arms and legs they’d be embarrassed because you did something or say something a certain way.” 

“I guess that’s right. I still feel bad about it but I used to be so embarrassed because my dad always tried to stay up-to-date on what teenagers were into. I thought at the time he was embarrassing and I wanted him to go away. But now I know he just wanted to be able to relate to me more.” Bertholdt went silent for a moment and fidgeted with his stumps. “…I miss him.” 

“He knew you loved him, Bertl.” Reiner changed the channel when the reality show went off. He turned on a horror movie and pulled Bertholdt flush against his side. “And our baby will love you. Arms or no arms. You can still give them lots of hugs and kisses.” 

“I guess that’s right. Now we just have to wait.” 

Bertholdt settled into the couch and thought back to when he first came home from the hospital almost three years ago. Everything had seemed like a black hole swallowing him, and he was convinced he’d have been better off if Reiner had just let him die. 

He cracked a smile when Reiner started to get scared by the movie, his husband sinking back a little into the couch. After a few minutes Reiner started moving Bertholdt just a little so he was hiding behind him while still watching the screen intensely. Bertholdt chuckled and let Reiner cling to him. 

If he’d died back then he’d have missed out on so much. Bertholdt wished he could go back in time and talk to that terrified man who was staring at the hospital ceiling for hours and hours every day. 

About how lucky he was to have Reiner, who tolerated his taste in TV shows and helped every step of the way. About how losing his limbs was just a setback and how he _would_ get to hug Reiner and Gabi again one day. About how eventually his sense of humor got to where Gabi would make jokes about him and he’d laugh with her. 

He couldn’t change the past, but he had a happy present and a nice future to look forward to. 

  


“They’re so cute, they almost make me want one of my own.” Gabi said affectionately, holding the black-haired baby boy in her arms while Reiner sat next to her on the couch with the other baby, a blonde little girl. Reiner turned and looked at her, a scowl on his face. 

“You’d better wait a few more years, young lady. You’re just barely out of high school.” Gabi rolled her eyes at her cousin and rocked her new baby cousin back and forth. Bertholdt came into the living room with the tray of drinks, putting them down on the table. He sat next to Reiner, reaching over and running a finger over his daughter’s head. He was long used to his prosthetic hands by now, but lamented the fact that he couldn’t feel her wispy hair on his fingers. 

“I know, Reiner, I know.” Gabi poked her cousin’s nose, the baby yawning. “I think Lucas likes me. I am his favorite cousin, after all.” 

“Like he and Millie have another cousin to choose from.” Bertholdt responded sarcastically, watching Gabi shoot him a glare before she went back to cooing at his son. “He’s right, though, Gabi. You can wait a few years and just play with Millie and Lucas. Babies are expensive.” 

Reiner shook his head at that, half-laughing. “Try two of them. I didn’t think our baby’s birth mother would be pregnant with twins. Twice the diapers, twice the medical bills, twice the crying…” Bertholdt hummed and held out his arms, Reiner handing their daughter over and slouching back into the couch. He watched Bertholdt bring her up to his face, kissing the top of her head. “There’s twice the love too, though. And twice the happy faces.” 

“You could say they cost an arm and a leg. Luckily I have several of those in the bedroom.” Bertholdt laughed at his own joke, Gabi rolling her eyes and feeling betrayed at the amused grin on Reiner’s face. 

“Really? That’s so laaaame, Bertholdt.” Bertholdt stuck his tongue out at Gabi, Reiner smiling and closing his eyes while he listened to the exchange. 

“I have to get really good at dad jokes while they’re still young. That way I’ll be a pro by the time the babies are old enough to understand.” Reiner grabbed his drink off the table and sipped it. 

“Don’t do that to them, Bertholdt. You’re supposed to love your babies.” Gabi complained, Bertholdt giving Gabi a coy look. 

“I was thinking about taking up karate. I’ll be a _partial artist._ ” Gabi frowned at that one, Reiner chuckling softly and keeping his eyes closed. “I’d be a bad bank robber. Why? _I’m unarmed._ ” 

“Reiner. You need to get a divorce and sue for full custody.” Reiner reached his hands towards Gabi and took his son, resting him against his shoulder. “I don’t think it’ll be hard. All Bertholdt has to do is open his mouth and the judge will rule in your favor.” 

“I don’t know. Actually… I think he might divorce me, Gabi. Ever since he lost his legs sometimes I think he _can’t stand_ me.” Reiner and Bertholdt watched with joy as Gabi processed the words, her face turning to one of absolute disgust. 

“Not you too, Reiner!” Reiner reached a hand over and pat Gabi’s back, her expression one of defeat. She reached a hand over and pat Lucas’s back. 

“Sorry, Gabi. The day we adopted Lucas and Millie we became legally obligated to tell at least one dad joke a day, each. It’s in our contract with the adoption agency, actually.” Reiner responded, his tone of voice dead serious in spite of the sarcasm behind his words. 

“Really, now? Are dad jokes a requirement now when you have babies?” Bertholdt nodded solemnly, Millie clinging to his shirt and giving him a toothless smile. He brought her up, her reaching out and grasping at his nose. 

“Yes. All dads have to tell dad jokes.” Gabi pulled out her cell phone. 

“Well, I'd better tell Falco we’re never ever having kids, then.” Gabi typed out a text message and hit the send button quickly. Meatball plodded into the room slowly, looking at Gabi before yawning. He rolled onto his side on the floor, Gabi moving to sit cross-legged on the floor beside him. “Or we could just have some dogs. You guys didn’t tell dad jokes until you got your babies.” 

“Meatball isn’t a fur baby, he doesn’t count. He’s more like a roommate. If you have a fur baby Falco might still tell dad jokes.” Meatball closed his eyes and kicked his legs a little at the belly rubs. 

“Thanks for telling me to get a dog with Falco before I marry him so I won’t have to divorce him if he turns out like you two. I’ll just leave.” 

Bertholdt paid Gabi no mind, glancing over at his son on Reiner’s shoulder, then down to his daughter in his arms. 

He wouldn’t lie and say that there weren’t days he wasn’t frustrated that he lost his arms and legs all those years ago. He missed out on little things, like tenderly stroking at his babies’ delicate features with his fingers, and really feeling them. He couldn’t play with them as well as Reiner could. 

And he sometimes still felt like a burden to Reiner. Reiner never complained about helping him, and their sex life had bounced back from when Bertholdt felt ashamed to have Reiner’s eyes on him. Reiner had to be the one to get up in the middle of the night when their babies cried unless they took the time to put his arms and legs on. He couldn’t drive their babies anywhere, not an issue now but possibly one in the future. 

But then there were moments like right then, hours after Gabi had gone home leaving him and Reiner alone. Reiner was sitting on the couch, a nature documentary on. Their babies were long asleep, and Meatball had taken up residence on Reiner’s lap. Bertholdt walked over to the couch and looked at Reiner. 

“Will you take my arms and legs off for me, Reiner?” Reiner nodded at the request, moving Meatball onto the couch cushion and getting a pitiful whine in return. Bertholdt and Reiner went to the bedroom, Reiner expertly removing Bertholdt’s arms, then his legs. He took the liners and put them aside, scooping up Bertholdt in his arms once they were all off. 

Reiner sat back down on the sofa, adjusting so Bertholdt was sitting across his lap. Bertholdt leaned his head into Reiner’s shoulder, feeling pressure on his torso when Meatball moved to sit on his torso. 

“Aww, Meatball wants to cuddle you.” 

“I guess he can be my lapdog for now.” Reiner kissed Bertholdt’s neck and got a squeak, Reiner laughing softly. Meatball closed his eyes and got comfortable on Bertholdt’s lap. 

“You’ve got a lapdog and I have a lapBertl.” Reiner moved a hand to scratch Meatball’s head before he went back to resting it on Bertholdt’s thigh. Bertholdt let Reiner snuggle him, Reiner pressing the occasional kiss to Bertholdt’s jawline. “I love you, Bertholdt.” 

“I love you too, Reiner. I love you.” Reiner hummed and tilted Bertholdt’s head to kiss his lips. “I used to think I’d never be happy again. I’m so glad I was wrong.” 

“It broke my heart when everything happened all those years ago. I was so afraid… that you would hate me. I still feel a little guilty from time to time.” Reiner squeezed the meat of Bertholdt’s thigh and sighed. “I know you aren’t mad. But I don’t think about it too much anymore.” 

“I could never hate you, Reiner. No matter how upset I got, no matter how dark the world seemed… you were there and I thank God every day for you.” Bertholdt gently prodded Meatball a little to get him off his lap, Meatball yawning and curling up on the edge of the couch. Reiner scooped up Bertholdt after a few minutes, carrying the two of them back to their bedroom. 

“You’re my everything, Bertholdt. I’ll always be here for you, and I know you’ll always be here for me.” Reiner took off Bertholdt’s clothes, slipping on Bertholdt’s oversized t-shirt and boxer shorts to sleep in. He dropped his own clothing and put on his pajamas, then pulled back the covers and tucked Bertholdt in. He slipped in next to Bertholdt and pulled him in for a kiss, Bertholdt kissing him back. 

“Tomorrow I was thinking we could stay home and spend some time with the little ones.” 

“I’d like that, Reiner.” Bertholdt closed his eyes and let Reiner hold him, a large hand running up and down his back. Bertholdt let himself be lulled to sleep by Reiner’s steady breathing. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not the happiest with the ending but I had a really hard time finishing up this fic. Oops.   
> Thanks for reading! <3 I hope you enjoyed it. Of course they live happily ever after.

**Author's Note:**

> [twitter](https://twitter.com/empresscactuar)


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